“Nina, how do I get my partner to initiate s3x?”That question comes up on a weekly basis in my DM’s or IG stories. What’s underneath that is more likely, “How do I get my partner to WANT to sexually engage with me more often?”. I would bet that if you and your partner were in the mood and the flirting was there, and you happen to be the one to lean in to start the make out session first, you wouldn’t feel “rejected” or frustrated because they didn’t kiss you first. You’d know you were both into it – and you’d enjoy the hell out of it. Am I right?
The issue isn’t that they aren’t initiating, necessarily. The issue is that they aren’t INTERESTED in sex, period. You feel like you are always the one who has to drop hints. You are the one who has to awkwardly make up innuendos to see if they’ll at least nibble at the carrot you just dangled. You are the one who feels rejected, defeated, and resentful. So, you resort to blatantly angry statements like, “You never initiate sex!” or “Why don’t you ever want to have sex?!” or “I have needs to ya know?!” Sound familiar?
Here’s the inside scoop.
Not only do most heterosexual couples have different sex drive types (if you want to know which one you are – click here!), but we ALLLLL have different erotic formulas. I look at erotic formulas like this…TURN ONS – TURN OFFS + YOUR UNIQUELY REQUIRED PHYSICAL STIMULATION = YOUR EF
This is probably the source of most sexual frustrations, in my opinion. It looks simple. However, behind that equation lives shame, embarrassment, and a lack of understanding of how both our bodies and human sexuality work. Many couples never have the fantasy conversation because we are too nervous about what our partner will think. We aren’t super clear on our turn-offs or how to articulate them, and many people (especially cis women) aren’t 100% clear on the physical stimulation they require for orgasm. So, you can see why this isn’t the easiest formula to figure out.
So, instead of focusing on WHO is initiating sex, be inquisitive about WHAT would make them WANT to have it in the first place. Just something to think about…