Question: How do we start anal play? I want to make sure it doesn’t hurt and that we do it correctly.
The awkward hurdle of bringing up the topic of anal play has been cleared…now what? Aside from the mental uneasiness surrounding the idea of anal play, many fear the physical “uneasiness” as well. This is a legitimate concern and one that absolutely needs to be considered. The downside? It can be uncomfortable if not approached carefully. Upside? There are ways to make anal play extremely pleasurable. Let’s be honest…that’s the goal here, right?
The anus is naturally tight and does not lubricate in the same way a vagina does, for example. I know what you’re thinking…how can tight and dry ever work together? And you’re right – if left alone, those two adjectives do not lend themselves to pleasurable anal play. However, with a few other “ingredients”, you have the makings of one HELL of a recipe!
Anal play can be mind-blowing if done correctly. What’s “correctly”? Well, here are a few tips to help ensure a pleasurable experience and one which your partner just might be open (pun intended) to trying.
1) WAIT: Yes, you read that correctly. Rushing right into anal play is not the best idea. Getting worked up and waiting for your inhibitions to fall away is when your mind and body will be more receptive to engaging in something that may be new or uncomfortable. Pay attention to your partner’s body movements. Are they tense and reserved or are they relaxed and inviting?
*Caveat* I’m a huge believer in trying things on yourself before trying with a partner. There are many anal “starter kits” that can help you adjust to the sensation and figure out how you like it, which can then be explained to your partner.
2) BABY STEPS: When you and your partner have been going at it for a while and you can tell they are totally into the moment, start by grabbing and/or rubbing their ass. That simple move will start to wake up that area on their body. Next, try licking your finger to lubricate it and slowly rub up and down the crack of their ass and over their anus. Remember to always check in to make sure they are ok with you going near their anus. The anus has a high concentration of nerve endings, so rubbing gently over it can feel amazing. Again, you’re moving slowly to gauge their level of comfort each step of the way. If you get the green light, then it’s time for your next move. When in doubt, ASK! Consent. Is. Sexy.
3) OPTIONS: To take it to the next level, you have several options. Again, always asking first! Your next move will depend on your ultimate goal at the moment (oral-anal, genital-anal, toy-anal, finger-anal, etc.). The “safest” bet is to start with one finger – the thinner the better. Making sure it’s lubricated, start to focus on rubbing directly around the anus applying a small amount of pressure. Lube should always be your #1 go-to with anything anal. HOWEVER, saliva can do the trick if you’re in a pinch and you’re just using a finger. Anything beyond a finger, grab the lube!. Insert the tip of your finger. Their natural reaction may be to tense up – that’s ok. Leaving the tip of your finger in there as you continue to kiss will allow their body (and mind) to begin to relax around it.
Now would also be a good time to add some reassuring dirty talk. Something like, “Relax, baby – I want to make you feel good. I’m not going to do anything until you say it’s ok. My finger feels so good inside of you, baby.”
If you’re looking to add another finger or move to something larger, just ASK! It doesn’t have to be clinical or corny. It can be sexy! Like, “Are you ready for something bigger?” “Do you want more, baby?” (Remember – LUBE!)
Too often, I feel people believe that asking for consent has to be this super professional and formal moment. Not true! You are technically asking for a level of consent to do something/continue to do something every time you ask your partner if something feels good!
4) TALK: Aside from paying attention and being in tune with your partner’s body language, check in with your partner. A simple, “Does that feel good?”, “Do you like that?” or “How’s this?” can not only add to the sexual atmosphere, but it allows your partner the chance to let you know how they’re feeling. Remember that anal play does not have to be painful and, if done right, can be immensely pleasurable. Take your time, check in with your partner, make sure to lubricate, and ENJOY!