Yep. I said it. And I’m saying it with so much freakin’ love.
The value that our culture puts on penises is not only insanely unwarranted, but it’s detrimental. It causes immense anxiety and pressure for men, and it causes women to feel broken and in need of “fixing”. Additionally, over 75% of women have faked an orgasm to protect the ego of their male partners – and for what?! Most men (at least the good ones) would move heaven and earth to please their female partner – and to watch/hear/feel her orgasm. Guys, am I right?!?
This is nobody’s “fault”. It’s a tremendously unfortunate consequence of antiquated, shame-heavy, phallocentric “teachings” about sex and pleasure (or lack thereof ). And ya know who benefits from all of this? Not a damn soul (nope, not even men). When women (or anyone) aren’t enjoying sex, they are less likely to be turned on by the idea of it. When women aren’t turned on by the idea of it, their desire tends to decrease, causing the classic, “My wife lost her sex drive” DMs in my inbox.
Recently, a male friend of mine asked me this question…”Nina, how the hell can women stand NOT having an orgasm with men when they have sex? I couldn’t imagine only getting off here and there, or not at all!” My response to him was painful…but true.
Women were taught to please men, and that our pleasure is secondary (at best). We were also taught that we *should* be able to have an orgasm from penetration alone. So, not only have we learned not to prioritize our orgasm, but the way we were taught to experience it, is not accurate. His question sat with me for a bit. I really thought about what would happen in a heterosexual relationship if the woman always got off, and the man rarely did, or had to fake it. If you read that, and couldn’t fathom that being the case – therein lies the issue.
It’s normal and accepted within our culture that women’s orgasms are hard to come by (pun intended), elusive, take “too much work”, and are a burden on the man. So, in case you’re like the majority of folks who NEVER received pleasure education (because, God forbid we experience pleasure without the desire to reproduce) – I’m gonna lay it out on the table… The clit is quite literally made from the same erectile tissue as the penis. They’re twins. Ignoring the clit is like ignoring the penis. Treat it accordingly. How huge a penis is, or for how long a man can penetrate a vagina, are probably some of the least important things when it comes to female orgasm. Take a deep breath, guys. Your tongue, your hands, her hands, or a vibrator will most likely get her there, far before a penis alone.
Your penis doesn’t make you good in bed. Ya know what does? Being attentive, being curious, never wanting to stop learning, being vocal, slowing down, tapping into her erotic mind, and encouraging her to share her fantasies (and not responding with defensiveness or judgment). If she wants penetration – rock on! But please don’t assume that’s the deal breaker. You are so much more than a penetration machine in the bedroom. Give yourself credit where credit is due, will ya?
So much love (and orgasms) to all,