Why Do We Eroticize Our Fears?

Have you ever found yourself fantasizing or eroticizing the exact thing that you fear (or are insecure about) in your relationship?

Let’s say you’re insecure about your partner cheating on you, yet you find yourself fantasizing about your partner with another person. Even more confusing, you may be…gasp…turned on by it!I hate to break it to ya…but you’re not “weird” or “broken”. You don’t have “bizarre fantasies”.

Often, our fantasies can be therapeutic for us. It’s no different than speaking to people who have experienced childhood trauma that are immensely turned on by BDSM. In our fantasies, and even in consensual sexual play, we can create and control our environment – something that was NOT the case when the traumatic event took place. When we have fears or insecurities about something in our relationship, and create a fantasy where we are in control – it can be very settling, believe it or not.

So, in the case of infidelity fears, you may fantasize about your partner cheating on you, you walking in, and JOINING! Does this mean you want it to happen? No, of course not. I have yet to meet someone who is excited about infidelity. However, in that scenario, you are in control of your fear, versus having it happen “TO” you.

So, next time you find yourself fantasizing about something that you are actually afraid of happening in your relationship, understand that it’s often a coping mechanism that our powerful minds help to create to put us in control (at least mentally).