Resiliency Over Fear

In case you haven’t noticed, the last two years haven’t been the most uplifting (eye roll). People who have never struggled with depression or anxiety, are now struggling. Those with underlying mental health conditions are experiencing major setbacks and are being thrown into a mental state that they may have thought they were immune to by now. The amount of death that has happened over the past two years is, by far, the most I have seen in 41 years, and I’m sure I’m not alone in that. Granted, as I get older, I will know more people who die – something that I am still struggling to wrap my head around. 

As someone with OCD, I don’t have a period at the end of my thoughts. My thoughts sort of just…keep going. They are endless revolving doors that sometimes move so fast, I won’t even try to stop them in fear of getting my hand chopped off…metaphorically speaking. So, instead, I stand there and watch the doors (thoughts) go around, and around, and around, and around again. At times, I’ll get the balls to try to jump into one of the moving sections to find my way out, and onto the public streets again (again…a metaphor – work with me here).

I’m sharing the following story in hopes that it helps someone feel less alone out there. After all, we’re all just trying to figure it out with the cards we’ve been dealt, am I right?

OK, onto one of my more epic OCD “Nina moments”.  

Last week, I was watching Netflix in bed on my phone. My husband was downstairs watching his shows – ya know…like the classic married couple in 2022. Typically, he comes up before I go to bed (I’m the night owl in the relationship). Well, as it neared 1:00 am, my heart started to race. I even paused my Netflix show! (Trust me – that takes a lot).  I had this dark and heavy feeling that he may have died downstairs, and I wouldn’t know unless I went down there. I sat up in the bed with my phone in my lap, staring at the door. I had tears welling up in my eyes, and knots in my stomach.

If he’s dead, I’ll scream. No, I can’t. I’ll wake the kids, and that is NOT how I want them to find out. Should I call 911 first before waking the kids? What if the sirens wake them up? Fuck, I should be down there right now. What if his heart just recently stopped, and I can keep him alive by doing CPR right now? Ugh. Our kids will be destroyed! My heart (and life) will shatter in a million pieces! I can’t do this. I can’t go down there. I have to go down there. Nina – hurry the fuck up and just go!

I walked downstairs, and I could hear my heartbeat in my ears – you ever have that? Such an eerie feeling. My husband listens to the TV with headphones in, so he doesn’t wake the kids. It was silent as I walked apprehensively down the stairs. I headed toward the kitchen and was about to take a left into the living room. A thousand images popped into my head.

Would he be slumped over? Would his eyes still be open? Will his bodily functions have already given out? I can’t have my kids see him like that. Oh my God, I want to vomit. Please, please be alive.

I turned the corner. There he was. Eyes wide open. Alive and well.

Ordinarily, I wouldn’t have told my husband about the entire mental fuck I had just gone through, because he’s heard enough of those over the last 18 years. However, this time just felt heavier than normal, and way too real. I walked over to him, sat down on the couch, melted into his chest…and cried. Poor guy was just trying to watch his Netflix series, and I come in like the ultimate cockblock. He held me as I recounted the entire five-minute mental ordeal that felt like five hours. Truth be told, this wasn’t particularly “new” to him, so he understood that it would take me a few minutes to get over his “pseudo death” and move onto something else…like the house randomly caving in. Ya know – the usual.

With over three decades of living with my brain, I could come up with a multi-volume series of stories just like that one – and I know I’m not alone. About 2% of the US population has OCD, so I’m actually 100% sure I’m not alone. Along with a lifetime of these bouts of mental fuckery, I have also spent my entire life figuring out how to work with my mind, and not against it. As a kid, I tried to escape my own mind daily. As an adult, I try to understand how to exist with it. Ironically, this is the same mindset I have when coaching clients. Helping them not to be afraid or ashamed of their thoughts, desires, or fantasies – but rather learn to understand them and find ways to exist with them in a healthy way.

For me, it all revolves around a lack of control. So, things like terminal illness and death. I mean, let’s be honest – none of us know when any of those will happen, how, or what it would “feel” like. So, we’re left with two options: 1) Live in a state of constant panic and fear, resisting life tooth and nail, or 2) Work on developing confidence in our innate resiliency.

Spoiler alert: I’ve chosen the latter. For what it’s worth, here’s what I’m learning…

Resisting what we can’t control gives us a false sense of security. We somehow believe that if we resist it – fear it – obsess over it, we will somehow be more prepared or experience less emotional pain if it were to happen. I mean, can you imagine if that were true?

My husband just passed away suddenly, but I’m totally fine because I spent the last decade obsessing and worrying about it. Whew! That was a close call! So, what’s for dinner?

Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? Yet, many of us who obsess over this stuff have yet to consciously accept its absurdity. So, how do we practice accepting it, you ask? We stop focusing on what we don’t know and focus on what we do. Here’s what I know:

  • Nobody dies from emotional pain – although it may feel like it in the moment.
  • Death is not the opposite of life, it’s a part of it (I heard this recently, and it made me think).
  • Although the pain of losing a loved one can be brutal, the world keeps spinning whether we want it to or not.
  • None of us can get through life alone. We are relational beings who require connection. There are over 7 billion people on earth, and the internet allows us to connect with most of them. This also serves as a reminder that during the darkest hours of our lives, there will always be someone who shows up to turn on some lights.
  • All living things are resilient. People, plants, and animals. Period. We have to be. It’s a survival thing.
  • There is no way to worry ourselves into invincibility.

Some closing thoughts…

Practice focusing on what IS. Easier said than done, but worth it – trust me. Come up with a phrase (or two) that isn’t cheesy and that you can say to yourself when you get stuck in the fear. My go to is, “I’m resilient. If that happens, I will somehow handle it.” Take the time to come up with something that you can resonate with. I’m not a very spiritual or woo-woo person, so I needed something concrete.

Once you say the phrase, then it’s time to distract, redirect, and trace another pathway in your brain (literally – neuroplasticity is a thing. Google it). For me, I have three things I can do that require enough mental energy from me that it’s difficult to think of anything other than what I’m doing in that moment; painting my nails, coloring, or creating digital content/images. If you saw how many nail polishes I have, you’d believe me on this one.

Again, these can be a million and one different things, but get to know what works for you. Maybe it’s reading, watching Netflix, checking out the latest TikTok dance challenge, going for a walk, volunteering at a dog shelter, cleaning, etc. Every time a thought comes into your head that puts you back in that out-of-control space, go back to your phrase, your distraction, and the redirect. We can even be cool and make it an acronym – PDR.

Look, this world has knocked us all on our asses over the past two years. We can either sit with the dog shit on our shoes, or we can figure out a way to wash it off. I don’t know about you…but I’m heading for the hose. Meet ya there <3

Different is not “Bad” – It’s Uncomfortable.

One of the more intense traits of someone with an OCD brain, is that we can obsess about existential things until we’re left with a bizarre unanswered question. So, let’s take a trip on the Nina brain train for a hot sec…🚂🚂🚂🚂

We develop our identity based on our relationships and interactions with other people. We are literally shaped by those around us. It makes sense; we’re relational beings. It’s one of the reasons I am so passionate about relationship dynamics. They are critical in our personal growth and development. With that said, I’ve also noticed that the hate in this world comes from people not agreeing with others, and/or trying to “get” other people to think/look/behave the way we do. The deeper I thought about it, the clearer things got.

Under allllll of the poop slinging (and there’s a lot), is this engrained belief that different is bad. So, then I thought…well…is different actually bad? What I found during my mental masturbation over that question was this: Different is not bad; “bad” is subjective. However. different is one thing for sure…it’s uncomfortable. Why is it uncomfortable? First, if we aren’t 100% confident in our belief systems, or we are still internally conflicted – it’s easier to question ourselves (and who the hell wants to do that?). It feels unstable, unsafe, and scary.

Next, differences can cause anxiety and fear. Take politics for example (yup, I’m going there…but not for long – trust me). Underneath all of the arguing is a legitimate fear about how the decision maker of our country could impact us and those we love. Anxiety and fear are the root of MOST of our emotions, but we tend to express anger because it’s way more societally acceptable. This happens in relationships ALL. THE. TIME.

Last, being exposed to a different thought, idea, or opinion, can create an underlying mistrust of our past. When our foundation is challenged, we go to battle to protect it. It’s like hearing someone say something bad about your best friend that you don’t believe is true – so you immediately start counter arguing on their behalf. The ironic part about all of this, is that the coolest thing about human beings is that no two people are the same…literally!! Even identical twins will experience the world through different lenses.

So, spending our lives trying to fit everyone into a box that is palatable for our own minds, is an exercise in futility. And lord knows there are better things to do that actually make the world a BETTER place – like eating, sleeping, laughing, and masturbating.

Choo-Choo! 🚂🚂🚂🚂

Protecting Our Pain

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I know how hard it is to show up as yourself in this world. It’s almost like you’re getting pushed back into your little corner every time you try to show yourself. Feel familiar?

You share something vulnerable with someone, and they don’t respond in a way that makes you feel accepted. So, your fears are validated, and you retreat. Know anyone like that? It’s like we’re meerkats that keep trying to come up out of our holes, and then quickly return to the dark tunnel underground where it’s safe.I want to share something with you that has given me the words to write this post right now.

About a year ago, I had done a few shows back to back where I interviewed a few gay men who also happen to be drag queens. I also interviewed a recovering drug addict, a trans man, and a woman who shared her story about living with Bipolar. Someone said something to me that made me reflect a bit. “Nina, I don’t know if someone’s mentioned this before, but for a white, cis hetero woman, you seem to interview people that are nothing like you.”I thought for a while, and I couldn’t come up with an answer as to why that was. Then, I realized why. Those guests actually were VERY much “like me”. I can see why, at the surface, there seems to be more differences than similarities. But, if you look deeper – that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Ya see, NONE of us lead the same life. That’s impossible. You know what’s VERY possible, though? Experiencing similar (or even exact) emotions as other people. True, they can be caused by different things – but as humans, the one thing we DO have in common, is that we FEEL. Am I gay? Nope. Trans? Nope. A Drag Queen? Nope. Recovering addict? Nope. Do I struggle with Bipolar? Nope. But, you know what?

I DO know what it feels like to fear rejection if I vulnerably shared a part of who I was.

I DO know what it’s like to wish that a part of me would just “go away” so I didn’t have to deal with it anymore.

I DO know what it’s like to have a brain that works in a way that isn’t “typical”.

I DO know what it’s like to wear a mask for so damn long that sometimes I even forgot who I was.

Authenticity is the greatest human filter out there. When you work through the fear, the discomfort, and the vulnerability, little by little you will start to attract others who have been waiting for someone just like you to connect with. Is it easy? Fu*k no. Will everyone understand you? Nope. Will everyone stick around? Nope. Will be people judge you? Uh huh.

I know it’s scary. God, do I know it’s scary. However, I’ve learned that people can only see each other through the darkness, when at least one of them holds up a flashlight. So, just know that mine is always on. ❤

A Letter to my Younger Self

In Honor of my 40th Birthday Eve and OCD Awareness Week…

Dear Nina,

Well…here you are – the night before your 40th Birthday.

I see you now, and I can’t help but remember the child you were. You constantly questioned your worthiness because your brain made you think that you were bad, wrong, dirty, sick…broken. You referred to your intrusive thoughts as “voices” when you were three-years-old because you couldn’t possibly believe that you were the one choosing to think such horrifying things. The anxiety, fear, and shame were intense, causing you to confess all of your brain’s workings to your family; later realizing that your confessions were actually a type of compulsion.

I know how afraid you were. I can feel the pit in my stomach now just thinking about it. I remember you seeing the world as though you were living in some parallel reality – far away from everyone else. I was always impressed with your ability to make everyone believe you were so comfortable being you.

You successfully hid so much. You had the classic OCD intrusive thoughts that revolved around violence, sex, contamination, and death – often coming up with random compulsions to “rid” your brain of the anxiety. You were exhausted, Nina. God, were you exhausted. Nobody understood OCD in the 80’s and 90’s, and you went from one medication to the next, always terrified that you’d never be “normal”.

“If anyone ever found out what went on in my head…”

I’d hear you say that to yourself time and time again. It broke my heart. I know how hard you wished it would all go away; that one day you’d get up and no longer fear being awake. You would have better phases, only to be triggered, and it would all come crashing down again – sometimes worse than before. I know you truly believed that you’d be caged up in your own brain for the rest of your life.

But – I have extraordinary news for you, Nina…There’s a MAJOR plot twist, so PLEASE hang tight. You DESERVE to see this battle through.

Remember when you said you were afraid to get married? To you, that meant you might see him die at some point (intrusive death thoughts). Yeah, you somehow worked through that and married someone. Oh – and your 100% certainty that you NEVER wanted children, because you were convinced that they would die before you (yup…death again)? Fu*k that – you went ahead and had TWO! You still worry every second of every day, but like…welcome to being a parent 🙄

Remember the bizarre and disturbing intrusive thoughts that came on out of nowhere that had you questioning if you were worthy of even being here? Yup – those EXACT thoughts are what end up driving you to start a career talking about, writing about, and coaching people on ALL of the taboo topics. Come to find out, many people in this world are just waiting for someone to go first – someone to talk about the things that nobody talks about. Many people feel caged in their own brains and are looking for a way out – someone to say, “YOU’RE OK!” Who knew?!

I know you probably think I’m lying, because you are so caught up in the throws of OCD that you can’t see beyond it – and that’s ok. Just borrow my belief until you have your own. Until that day comes (hint: it happens in your mid to late 30’s), trust that every ounce of pain you’re going through, every fuc*ed up thought you’re having, and every “why me?!” moment you go through, will ALL make sense soon. And when it does, I’ll greet you with open arms, a vibrator, and a stiff drink. We’ll sit and talk about it all – but not for too long…people are waiting for us. And we both know how much the waiting sucks.

See you soon, Neen.

The World Needs Us to Talk

🗣SEPTEMBER IS SUICIDE PREVENTION MONTH🗣

If you’ve stuck around me long enough, you know that my purpose in life is 100% grounded in exposing the aspects of being human that are so raw and real that it makes most of us uncomfortable. Truthfully, I don’t even like the word taboo. A taboo topic is something that is, “…banned on grounds of morality or taste.” In other words, it’s subjective – much like everything else in the world.

Mental health and sexuality are probably the most “taboo-infused” aspects of being human. Having firsthand experience with a mental health condition that is literally COMPRISED of intrusive and TABOO thoughts, I understand and appreciate how damaging this feeling can be to your soul. The two most powerful ways I’ve been able to heal and accept ALL that I am, is through humor and confessions (actually, if you read up on OCD, you’ll see that confessions are a type of compulsion. Crazy shit, right?). I’m aware that this is not THE ONLY way to heal, but it’s my way – and it has worked.

My approach and personality are not, and never will be, for everyone – and it isn’t my goal to have them be. People have VERY strong feelings and opinions on such sensitive topics. I do what I do because in my darkest moments, I knew exactly what I needed, but didn’t know if anyone was capable of giving it to me. I wanted my thoughts and fears to be met with an unalarmed response. I wanted someone to make me laugh at myself, even when I thought that everything was so serious. I wanted to be told that I don’t have to think like everyone else to STILL be ok. I wanted to know that even if others didn’t share my thoughts, they still didn’t care that I had them. I wanted someone to tell me that I didn’t have to “fix” my brain – I just needed to learn HOW to use it.

So, here’s my SoulTinder profile – in case anyone wants to uncage theirs:

I will listen to your darkness, and share with you all the ways you keep walking right by the damn light switch. I will use humor in moments that you can’t believe someone would use humor (so, easily offended people may want to steer clear). I will show you how liberating it can be to stop seeing yourself as a “victim” and, instead, acknowledge that you may have been victimized, but your experiences are what CREATE your superpower. I will meet you EXACTLY where you are – not looking to fix a damn thing; you’re not broken. I can normalize the most “abnormal” shit, because I don’t believe in normal – aside from math scores. You will be met with an unalarmed response, and you’ll wonder if I even heard you. Trust me, I did…and I’m still not alarmed.

This photo was made specifically for me (yup, those are my hands with the blue polish). It captures all that caged me for the better part of three decades. And now? Now, I’ve made it my life’s work to continue to use humor and confessions to not only keep my own soul uncaged, but to help others do the same.

So…who’s swipin right?

Much love,

Me

Hope For Those On The “Other” Frontline

Photo by Billy Pasco on Unsplash

Finding purpose in pain has become a lifelong process for me. I’m not a healthcare professional. I’m not face to face with COVID-positive patients. I am not a first responder…but I am one of many in this world who are on the “other” frontline.

I would sit down to get work done and instantly felt like I was on this “other” frontline. I’d stare at a screen that was riddled with darkness, anger, trauma, disturbing images, virtual funerals, children mourning, hate, friendships ending, lies, harsh truths, and pain. So. Much. Pain. My limbic system was misfiring, over-firing, and sometimes I wished it would just…stop…firing.

I felt like I was in the house of mirrors, searching for the exit. I could see people outside, telling me I’m so close to finding the exit. Alas…I’d whack my head on the mirror that I thought was the last turn I’d have to take. Some people said it felt like groundhog day – the same thing over and over again. To me, it felt more like purgatory – and I’m not even religious.

My therapy sessions were virtual like most. Thank God she knows me and my required therapy style. She’s warm and kind when I need it, but mostly uses tough love – which is how I respond best.

“I haven’t heard you this bad in years, Nina. I’m going to use the word suffering to describe it. You’re in a dark place. We should increase your medication. How do you feel about that?”

I was having intrusive disturbing OCD thoughts that I hadn’t had in decades. It scared the shit out of me, to be honest. The thoughts that would paralyze me in my childhood were coming back. I’ve been on the “other side” of OCD for quite some time now, so this space was unfamiliar and painful. My sleeping was off. I was losing interest and focus. I felt disconnected from my family. I felt disconnected from…myself. Nothing seemed safe, not even my own mind.

I am not one to fight medication. I’ve been successfully treated with a very low dose since my late teens/early 20’s. I’ve tried to go off of medication before, and I quickly realized that this wasn’t about my ego – but my quality of life. With that said, I started thinking of all the ways I could AVOID increasing my medication. I somehow found a teensie bit of confidence in my resiliency, and passed through that month and a half without increasing the dose. I also knew (and still do) that if I hadn’t found the confidence, I would have increased my dosage. I ‘aint too proud – trust me (ok…maybe a little. But I digress.)

Ya know what’s strange, though? I’ve spent my entire life being able to lean on the fact that I knew most of my thoughts were irrational. Even though they felt real, there was always a part of me that knew they weren’t, or at least I knew they were extremely over exaggerated. I could always count on hearing, “Nina, it’s just your OCD.”

But now, it wasn’t “just my OCD” – this was real. My fear of germs was real. My fear of death was real. Everyone was washing their hands incessantly and over using antibacterial gel, and I no longer “stood out” as the germaphobe. Nobody was sharing anything anymore, and people were wiping down every surface around them. For once in my entire life, the world around me was just as scary as the world inside of me – and I wasn’t prepared.

I showed symptoms of OCD as early as three years old – so, I’ve had quite a few decades of learning how to navigate life with this brain wiring (eye roll). However, I definitely wasn’t planning on “relapsing” randomly at 39 years old…yet there I was.

I know you’re waiting for the moral of the story, because I try to always have one, so here it is…

In a weird, almost masochistic way, I’m glad I went through it (and still am, but on a much smaller scale). My ability to hold space for other people in their darkest moments – their most vulnerable or shameful moments – is 100% due to me knowing what that feels like. I know how it feels to doubt your worth, to question your place on Earth, to fear rejection so much that you go through most of your life only showing a fraction of who you are, to believe that if people knew what you were thinking, they’d take a few steps back…

What makes me who I am today is, quite literally, what almost ended me. I often speak about finding purpose in pain, not because I’m a walking obnoxious Pinterest quote, but because I’ve done it…and it has saved my life.

You’re a Man

Lately, in both my personal and professional life, I have witnessed men struggling more so than usual, and my heart aches. I am, and will continue, serving ALL HUMAN BEINGS. I will help you challenge belief systems that make you feel anything other than worthy and valid.

Remember that pointing out the pain of one group does not, and never will, diminish the pain of any other group. So, tonight, this one’s for the guys…

“It’s as if you were created only to feel a select number of emotions. Should you need to feel anything else, your default is to go back to the original allowable few. Your only instructions are to keep going long after your batteries have run out. When you break – and you will – you should know how to put yourself back together without any help. You don’t require help. You’ll be ok – you’re a man.

You will experience loss and pain. But don’t speak. People will question your allegiance to societal constructs, and we all know we can’t have that. But, you’ll be ok – you’re a man.

You are to hunt – food, enemies, and women. Hunting anything or anyone else is inherently “wrong”. Should you feel the urge to hunt otherwise, refrain. You’re good at hiding your soul, remember? You’ll be ok – you’re a man.

You are to sexually ravish others. To be ready, willing, and most importantly, able. At all times. Every time. Your handful of allowable emotions can never interfere with this required way of being. Should you struggle, avoid all related conversations and move on. Be silent about your fears, insecurities, and most definitely, your faults. Deny them at all costs, especially in the bedroom. You should easily be able to disconnect and compartmentalize. It’s ok – you’re a man.

You will face confusion, loss, anxiety, hopelessness, depression, intrusive thoughts, sexual shame and guilt, and abuse. Funnel it all into anger. Get angry. Anger is safe. Anger is allowed. You’ll be ok – you’re a man.

So just be a man, and you’ll be ok…until you’re not.

And when that day comes, I urge you to break every damn rule you’ve been prescribed. I beg you to feel all of the forbidden emotions, and feel them as hard as you can. Let anger be your last choice, and no longer allow it to be the sheep in wolves clothing. Break down. Make it known when you DON’T want to have sex, and when you want to relinquish dominance and control. Face trauma and process it with a professional – because you DESERVE healing. Love whoever the hell you want to love. Be afraid. Be a protector one day, and need protecting the next.

It’s ok not to be ok…you’re a man.”

💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

Purpose in Pain: Controlling the Uncontrollable

Photo by Logan Fisher on Unsplash

One of the most evolutionary parts of being human is our instinct to survive. Back in the day, it was based on physical safety. A tiger would be near, your senses would heighten, and you would be able to fight the tiger (not the best decision), or get the hell out of there, running faster than usual. Pure survival mode. Humans avoid pain as a way to survive. It keeps us safe. The concept makes sense, and I really have nothing to argue there.

But what about emotional pain? I mean, we still experience fight or flight when we’re waiting for news about our sick pet, when we are about to start a difficult conversation, or when we think our partner is being unfaithful. None of those scenarios are inherently dangerous or threaten our lives, but our autonomic nervous system didn’t get the memo, apparently.

I often joke about being great in an emergency because, chances are, I’ve already experienced the damn scenario in my head multiple times. I’ve emotionally “lived through” some of the most horrific situations…without them ever happening. It’s a skill, really…(eye roll).

My rational brain (which is somewhere really freakin deep in there) knows that fearing emotional pain will not actually make it any easier to deal with, should it happen. That fear is our brain’s way of trying to live through the experience to eliminate the feeling of the “unknown”. You see, as human beings, we don’t tolerate the unknown or ambiguity very well. We would probably feel much more at ease if we knew we could control all of our experiences. However, for most things in life…we don’t have control. If that makes you anxious, stay with me here…

I’ve lived over three decades anxious about the unknown. As a child, I feared the sudden death of my parents. Why? Because they were my safe space (still are). They provided certainty, and a controlled environment. When I was engaged to my (now) husband, I had horrific anxiety over him dying as well (yeah, I know…total buzzkill.). Self-disclosure: I had a total meltdown days before our wedding, because I figured that, statistically, I would experience his death before he experienced mine, and I couldn’t fathom that pain. When we talked about kids, guess what I feared? Yup! The death of a child. At first, I didn’t want to have kids, because the fear of losing a child was THAT strong for me. Spoiler alert: I have two kids, and so far so good.

Are the fears gone now? Hell no. They are still loud and clear.

So, what’s different now?

Purpose. I’ve made seeking purpose a regular part of my life. I’ve literally taken one of the most internally controllable variables, and turned it into something to help me feel more in control of the…well..uncontrollable.

This isn’t anything new, folks. It happens around us all the time. Many parents who lost children in the Sandy Hook tragedy have taken their pain and developed a purpose. Whether it was spearheading the building of a new playground in memoriam of the children lost, or kindness programs being rolled out in schools across the country – the underlying theme? PURPOSE.

I consistently work (definitive word being WORK) to find purpose in whatever pain I’m experiencing. When I was struggling with Motherhood, I created a Facebook group for Moms that was solely based on off-colored, sarcastic, inappropriate memes about being a Mom. I have close to 1,000 members in that group now, and have developed amazing friendships. I also offered an in-person Mom guilt workshop that I am now in the process of making available online. When I recently found myself sitting in immense anxiety during quarantine, I started doing live shows on Facebook about any and all topics having to do with mental health and sexuality. I’ve discovered that the most effective way for me to heal myself, is by helping to heal others.

I know this time is surreal. I know it can feel like it’s never ending. It’s also a great time to use your uncomfortable feelings and direct that energy towards a purpose. Remember, you can have a million different purposes throughout your life depending on where your pain is coming from. When we find purpose in our pain, we remove ourselves from the victim’s seat, and become the victor. Our pain doesn’t have to be some empty dark hole that we continue to fall into. By finding purpose, we can propel through the pain.

The moral of the story is this: Finding purpose in pain allows us to be in the driver’s seat of our healing process. We may not always know what lies ahead, but seek solace in the fact that our hands are always the ones on the wheel. <3

The Power of Our “Different”

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I may or may not be known for pushing our cultural envelope😬. It’s not because I like to stir things up; I’m a Libra – I like the complete OPPOSITE of stirring things up. It’s because I know what it’s like to be a prisoner of my own thoughts. I know what it’s like to wonder what others would think if they REALLY knew what I was thinking. I know what it’s like to feel like the world is going on around me, and as much I’d love to be “normal” like everyone else, it just won’t happen. 

I also know what it’s like to be on the other side of all that wondering. To have finally pushed far enough passed my shit, that I “get it” now. I know what it’s like to lean in to what I fear the most about myself. I know what it’s like to finally realize that nobody is normal. As a matter of fact – it DOESN’T. EVEN. EXIST. 

I speak about taboo topics for a reason. It’s because it’s in those conversations that people start to let go of their “not normal”. Mental health and sexuality are the two most silenced topics in our culture, yet it causes the most pain for so many of us. So, while I spent the better part of three decades trying to assimilate into “NORMAL”, I failed to understand the power of my “DIFFERENT”. Ironically, it’s not just something I have. So do you. Like I did for so long, many of you have just been hiding it, fighting it, and covering it up. 

Whether it’s mental illness, addiction, past trauma, or sexual fantasies and desires, it doesn’t matter. The foundational issue is the same. We’ve been taught that our “different” needs to be hidden and kept from the outside world. 

People may wonder why I am so candid about my “different”. It’s because I’ve learned that fear, shame, and guilt CANNOT survive in the light. For many of us, those emotions live in a dark room with the door locked – and they thrive in that space. 

Do yourself a favor – walk into the room and turn on the light. Oh – and if you want a hand to hold through it, I’m here. I don’t need directions…I’ve been there before ❤

(As always, feel free to share.)

The Other Side of Anxiety: What ALSO is…

When the outside world seems so uncertain, anxiety rears its ugly head. For those who already have underlying struggles with anxiety, it seems almost unmanageable. I wish I could say you’re the only one. I wish I could say I don’t know how you feel. Both would be a lie.

Living my entire life with OCD (which is usually accompanied by anxiety), I’ve learned coping strategies when times like these hit. No, it’s not easy. No, it isn’t a one size fits all. However, there’s a common denominator amongst us anxiety warriors. We focus on the WHAT IF, and only ONE SIDE of the WHAT IS. But what about the “other side”? The what ALSO IS. Allow me to explain…

Given the current emotional chaos that COVID-19 has caused, let’s use it as my first example. This may trigger anxiety, but try to trust me with where I’m going with it. For many of us, we’re afraid that we might get the virus, and furthermore…die from it. We’re afraid for our loved ones getting sick as well. Understandable? Of course. Because of our anxiety, we are focusing on the WHAT IF, and ONE SIDE of the WHAT IS that exists – people are getting sick and, yes, some are dying.

You want to know what ALSO is?

I have an extended family member (that I am not living with) that tested positive for COVID-19. Guess what? She’s alive, and on her way to recovery – as are many others. As I write this article, there are a total of 103,321 cases in the US, and 1,668 deaths (CDC.gov). So, clearly there are many infected who are also surviving the virus. Anxiety doesn’t want to focus on that, because it doesn’t affirm our fears – and that’s how anxiety thrives. So, it’s critical to not leave out the “What ALSO is”.

Now, let’s talk cancer – another fear of many. Self disclosure – it’s one of my triggers. My anxiety focuses on death, chemo, side effects, financial stress of being out of work, etc. Is any of that valid? Yup! But you know what ALSO IS? The fact that I have several friends and family members who have cancer, and are functioning. I know people who have gone through chemo, and somehow managed to ALSO get through their days – some even stayed at work. Most of those who I know who have had cancer, survived it and are still cancer-free. Anxiety won’t focus on that, though. It’s not scary enough. I mean, how can our brains protect us from what COULD happen, if we are only focusing on what actually IS happening? (rhetorical and massively sarcastic).

How about body image? So many of us have a fear of being viewed as unattractive if we don’t have that Instagram body. We look at cellulite, loose skin, stretch marks, and a lack of abs as if we’re automatically off the market for being attractive. Are there people who are not attracted to those things? Sure! You know what ALSO IS? There’s a gazillion different body types, and miraculously most of us are found to be desirable by someone else – even if we never know about it. But again, anxiety isn’t interested in focusing on what brings us peace – only what creates an utter mind fuck. Am I right?

We get it, anxiety – bad things can happen. Thanks for the heads up (eye roll). It’s human nature to fear the worst. However, I’ve learned that most of the time it’s more of a protective measure, than a productive one. So, even when all of this blows over…and it will…try to remember that there will always be a “What ALSO is”, and it deserves just as much, if not more, attention than anything else.

Why I Won’t Dull Myself…

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I’ve been holding onto this message since she sent it yesterday morning – still with my heart in my gut. My close friend, Emily, was recently diagnosed with cancer, and she sent this to me. So many thoughts I pulled from this, and I wanted to share one of the biggest:

Do you know how many times I get strange reactions from people when I tell them I speak about mental health and sexuality? Do you know how many people have probably unfollowed me? Blocked me? Questioned my “moral compass”? Judged me as a parent? A wife? A human? Probably a lot. 

I also hear things like, “Omg, I can’t believe you said that on social media!” Or “Aren’t you worried what other people think when they see your content?”

To the people who are uncomfortable with my level of self-acceptance and raw ‘humanness’, to the point where they judge me – it’s ok. I’m not mad. It doesn’t hurt my feelings. I will never try to make you comfortable. That’s your story to read, not mine. That’s not my mission, nor my purpose. 

My purpose in life is to create a safe space for people to uncage themselves from shame and guilt. A space where people can take off every damn mask that life has mistakingly urged them to wear. A space where people can say HERE. I. FUC*%ING. AM, and be met with open arms NO MATTER WHAT. That’s why I’m here, that’s what I do, and that’s WHO I AM. 

I focus on sexuality and mental health because that’s what we fear the most about ourselves. They are the most vulnerable parts of who we are, and what we spend our LIVES hiding from. 

The underlying message isn’t about sex and mental health. You need to understand that. It’s about RADICAL SELF ACCEPTANCE. And if you can accept the two most innately human and messiest parts of who you are, then THAT is RADICAL SELF ACCEPTANCE – something that our culture clearly tries to stifle from all angles. 

So, am I concerned about others opinions? Will I temper my crazy ass messages to this world? Absofreakinlutely NOT. As a matter of fact, I’m really ok that I make dildo jokes, masturbation references, and share my OCD story. It created space for a dear friend to open up, and she will undoubtedly save her own life because of it.

Be a rebel. Be yourself.

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It’s not “kinda” rebellious…it is INCREDIBLY rebellious in our world to be yourself. To openly discuss the sides of us that we’ve been taught to hide, seems to be some act of courage. My opinion? It should be the norm. 

Marriage can be tough, parenting can be tough, careers can be tough, money conversation can be tough, our sexuality can be tough, our mental health can be tough, our body image issues can be tough. The list goes on…

So many of us are lost in the ideal that we’re completely neglecting who we ACTUALLY are. By doing this, we attract those who we do not align with. We end up seeking out situations and environments that don’t even really speak to who we are and what we stand for. We settle. We settle as if we have an unlimited amount of time to seek what we actually are deserving of (which is some pretty awesome shit by the way.)

So, I’m going to just put this out there – Be a rebel. And if you’re looking for other rebels out there, I can assure you that you already know at least one 💁🏻‍♀️