Tag: monogamy

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The Truth Behind Female Desire

(Note: This post is intended for cis hetero men and women.)

I know, I know – you probably think I’m full of shit, right? Several years ago, I probably would have responded the same, to be honest. However, you might be surprised to know that out of all the work I do for my coaching business, I spend the MOST time challenging belief systems – my own, especially. In return, I have been able to help others make sense of how they’re feeling, help to shift the narrative of their relationship, and explore their sexuality on levels they have yet to explore.

If I had a penny for every time a man came to me and said, “My girlfriend/wife lost her sex drive”, or a woman say, “I lost my sex drive”, I would be a millionaire by now. For real.

Some self-disclosure? I’ve said it in the past, too. I, like most humans, never learned how human sexuality worked – ESPECIALLY female sexuality. My fellow Gen X’ers can relate, I’m sure. When it came to sexuality, we learned that men were hypersexual, and craved variety and novelty. That was the “norm” for men – it was expected. Women were destined for monogamy, weren’t very sexual, and existed to be the pleaser in the relationship. Everything about sex was for men. Period. Any of this sound familiar?

Well, guess what? It’s all wrong. Literally…statistically inaccurate – not just my opinion. The more I learn about sexuality, the more the complaints I hear about sex drive make sense. Think about it. Do you think it’s just a coincidence that most women in long-term monogamous relationships seem to “lose their sex drive”? Let me help you on this one – it’s not a coincidence.

According to Dr. Wednesday Martin – a PhD, Social Anthropologist, award-winning Author, and female sexuality guru, “A couple live together, their libidos are matched, and they have a lot of sex. But after a year, two years, maybe three years, what tends to happen is that the woman’s desire drops more quickly than the man’s. At that point the woman thinks, ‘I don’t like sex anymore.’ But what, in fact, is happening is that she is having a hard time with monogamy; because women get bored with one partner more quickly than men do.” (Read the whole article here!)

Let’s dive a little deeper here. When 50 Shades of Gray came out, what happened? There was a mini sexual revolution for women. Why? Because they were, in a way, given permission to be more open about enjoying sexual themes that our culture typically doesn’t “approve of” for women. How about when the Netflix series “Sex/Life” came out? At one point, it was the #1 show in Australia! Why? Because it’s rare to find a show that depicts the woman as the one who is seeking sexual excitement. Both Sex/Life and 50 Shades opened Pandora’s Box, and honestly –  I love to see it.

Have you ever noticed that women tend to lead the direction of the couple’s sex life? When her libido isn’t tapped into, sex becomes sort of, well…nonexistent. What usually happens then, is the woman accepts that she has “no sex drive”, the man gets resentful and frustrated, he feels rejected, she feels broken, and things are no bueno.

What if that DIDN’T have to be the narrative? What if the tables turned a bit and the WOMAN’S sexual desires were discussed or, better yet, ENCOURAGED? What if ego was taken out of the equation, and we became truly interested in what makes WOMEN tic, and not just roll over and play dead when she seemingly “loses her sex drive”? What if we were no longer surprised when a woman said she desires newness and variety? What if slut-shaming was a thing of the past?

It’s kind of a cruel joke if you think about it. When girls are growing up, they are more desirable if they are “pure”. That societal pressure keeps most women in the proverbial sexual “closet”. Then, when women get older and enter a long-term relationship, men want them to be more sexual, and don’t understand why it’s not happening.

I see a lot of women in their 40’s and beyond going through a sexual awakening. The fear of being slut-shamed is not much of an issue anymore and they begin to open the closet door a bit. Then, they are faced with an internal conflict of wanting to finally explore their sexuality, but also living decades with shame and guilt over that exact thing! All of this on top of the fear of judgment and rejection from their partner, and you can see why many women stay quiet. With that silence comes the perpetuation of the myth that women aren’t as sexual as men. In actuality, many women either simply haven’t explored their sexuality yet, or they are terrified to discuss it! So, the cycle continues.

I get it. This is not easy. Conversations about sex are not always easy. Conversations about fantasies and desires can feel like an impossible feat. I look at it like this – Having open conversations about our sexuality is hard…so is feeling bored and stunted for the rest of your relationship. Choose your hard.

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Questioning Your Relationship?

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “What if there is someone else out there for me? Someone better?” – welcome to being human. Think about it. We naturally question most big decisions, right? Is this the best deal on a car? Is this the best house choice? Is this trip worth this much money? What if I just left the perfect job for the wrong one?

Yet, when we question our relationships, we see it as some massive red flag that must mean something serious is wrong, and that our relationship is doomed (this is NOT referring to toxic/abusive relationships – in which case, yes – it is a red flag and can be serious).

Seriously, though…

There are 7 billion people in the world. Chances are, there IS someone else out there (probably several) that could be a potential partner. However, what are you willing to risk losing with your current partner in hopes to gain something with someone else? Meaning, is there someone else out in the world who is more attractive than your current partner? Ummm…duh. Of course! However, are you willing to potentially lose the emotional safety, for example, that you feel with your current partner?

When we don’t have the concrete data of how the “what if” situation could pan out, we tend to design it in our mind without flaws. So, let’s say you are questioning what life would be like with someone who has a higher paying job than your current partner. You’re daydreaming about the freedom you’d have and how your current financial stress would just vanish into thin air. You’re probably not thinking about the possibility that making more money could also mean more hours, more responsibility, and often higher stress levels. We don’t think about that part, because our fantasies (even non-sexual ones) are flawlessly created in our minds. I mean, why the hell would we conjure up a picture in our minds that sucked, am I right?

The “perfect” partner doesn’t exist. You know how I know? Because HUMANS. AREN’T. PERFECT. So, how the f*ck could we possibly put TWO imperfect people together, and expect perfection? Additionally, we are constantly evolving throughout life. So, what might be “perfect” for you in year one of the relationship, may not work for you in year five. This is the norm, but we don’t talk about it. Instead, we see thousands of messages on social media that preach otherwise.

It’s the old “80/20” rule that you may have heard. People sometimes lose the 80% that they already have, in hopes of finding the other 20%. I think we were designed to constantly seek a higher level of satisfaction in life; which on the surface seems like a cool thing. The downside is that we can’t compare our reality to a fantasy-based “what if” scenario, without our reality always falling short. A great exercise that I will often do with clients to ground them in their relationship, is to have them talk about how they met, what drew them to each other, and what they value about their relationship now. Unlike fantasy “what ifs”, we have actual data to reflect on when talking about our current relationship.

So, instead of asking yourself if there’s someone else out there for you, ask yourself what you would you be willing to potentially lose to find them?

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Can Long-Term Relationships Ever Feel “New” Again?

Although this email came to from a woman who is in a relationship with another woman, this is no different in heterosexual relationships either. Read her email below.

“My wife confided in me last night that she had sex with a man during the one time she and I broke up (about 2 years into our relationship; broken up for 3 weeks mostly as a result of some messed up things her family felt towards her relationship with another woman). I wasn’t mad. Not in the slightest. I was: Impressed? Proud? TURNED ON? So many things. I had/have this primal desire to reclaim her as *mine* (uh, we’ve now been together 11 years, married, kids, etc. She’s mine, ha!).

I don’t know what my question is. I enjoy this feeling. I feel like I’m seeing my wife differently – in a good way. We made out (just that) for the first time in YEARS (without leading to sex) and it was like we were 20 again.

And, another part of me is sad. She said “That’s it. I don’t have a single secret left.” And it dawned on me – those early butterfly stages are gone. This little blip (bomb as I called it) was the last little “BANG” she gave me. Of course there are other things in life (kids, etc.) that make me fall for this person over and over. But for a split second (that I’m still riding) I saw my wife as I saw her all those years ago – as an independent sexual person who I want to get in bed with SO badly!

(Lesbian, Female)“

Well, first and foremost – BRAVO for being open with each other, receptive, and non-judgmental. Extra bonus that it benefited your current sexual relationship!

Let’s start by defining the word, DESIRE.

“…a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.”

So, by definition, desire creeps in when we want something we don’t have. In this example, you may “have” her now, but when you found out that she slept with another person (especially a man, in this scenario), a few things may have happened…

1. In the absence of comfort and complacency, we often enter competitive mode!
Your comfort and complacency were threatened (not necessarily in a “bad” way). Often, in long term relationships, we get comfortable and complacent. We forget the fact that, in reality, we can never truly guarantee that our partners will always stay with us. However, we do tend to fall back on that assumption after a while – especially in trusting and communicative relationships. The moment we are faced with the fact that our partner desires other people, it threatens that level of safety and comfort. Although we may assume that our partner obviously finds other people attractive, we may not talk about it often, and (in monogamous relationships) we certainly don’t expect to have discussions about who we’ve slept with outside the marriage.

That feeling of wanting to “reclaim” her, is a human response. I go over this in my blog on Hot Wives/Wife sharing as well. Think about when you were a kid and some jerky classmate stole a ball that you were playing with on the playground. What happened? Aside from probably crying, you may have found yourself angry, and even plotting ways to steal it back – am I right? The jerky kid threatened your level of comfort in knowing that the ball was in your possession. Once you got the ball back, how incredible did that feel? You probably appreciated it more, and may have even become more protective of it! See where I’m going with this? Sound familiar?

2. The Madonna/Whore Complex is a thing. No, I am not calling anyone a whore here (although I challenge you to ask yourself why that would be seen as an insult if I did – but that’s for another blog.). It’s an actual concept that has been studied many times. Psychoanalytic (Freud) thinking was that men could not sexually desire a woman they loved (Madonna), and could not love a woman they desired (whore). Essentially, it’s the idea that women are seen as either “good” – pure, innocent, amenable Madonnnas, or “bad” – sexual, promiscuous, seductive, whores. I won’t get into the patriarchal BS of the concept now, but it does explain a lot of struggles people have in long-term relationships, sexually speaking. This happens with people who have children as well. When someone becomes a mother, sometimes their partner(s) have a hard time seeing them as sexual. Society has deemed motherhood and sexuality to be mutually exclusive (cannot go together).

In this specific example, the writer said in her own words, “But for a split second (that I’m still riding) I saw my wife as I saw her all those years ago – as an independent sexual person who I want to get in bed with SO badly!”

This is precisely what I’m referring to! We often “forget” how sexual our partner was in their life before us. We are so intertwined, and up each other’s butts (not in a good way), that it’s hard to remember how we saw them years ago.

But, guess what? I have REALLY amazing news!

You can create/recreate those feelings! Yes, even in a long-term relationship. It takes creativity, openness, and honest communication. It’s a dance between wanting to stay with what’s comfortable, and being willing to push the envelope a bit. From choosing activities that neither of you have done before, to bringing some fantasies close enough to reality to illicit that dopamine rush – it’s all possible!

I work with couples on this exact process, and each couple is so unique (which is what makes it so damn fun!).

Cheers!


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Should we open our marriage?

open marriage open sign

Q: We have been seriously talking about opening up our marriage and I think I’m ok with it now. At 40 and having been out of the dating scene for 20+ years, I’m not even sure how to go about finding someone. I’ve been talking to a friend of a friend that may be interested and we have sexted once, but I’m not sure if he’s really down or not. Do you know other people that have open marriages? I’ve been hearing that the younger generation is more ok with open relationships. What are your thoughts?

A: Consensual non-monogamy seems to be getting quite the press lately, and I think a lot has to do with the internet. Although the idea of having multiple partners has been around for ages (think concubines, harems, etc.), it’s becoming less taboo because of the ability to connect virtually with so many others who are curious as well. I also believe that as we evolve, we are always looking to better “adapt” to new knowledge that we acquire.

A brief history lesson, shall we?

The truth, whether it’s easy to hear or not, is that sexual monogamy is not a biological “thing”. It’s a cultural and religious construct that many are content to align with. Marriage was more of a business/logistical decision to protect and preserve property and assets – it did not begin for love and sexual pleasure. Sexual monogamy was born out of wanting to control who women slept with so there was never a question as to who the child belonged to – again – this was important in terms of lineage and the passing down of assets.

Bored yet?

So, here’s my own take on what’s happened to monogamous relationships…

The main reasons for creating marriage and monogamy have sort of gone away for most of us, yet the expectations have remained. If someone is royalty or insanely wealthy and they want to know who their biological child is, we have paternity tests now. So….there’s that.

Now, we have monogamous couples who are married and wondering where lust and passion have gone, or why they are struggling to be satisfied with one person for a lifetime. Humans are not designed to be sexually monogamous. As a matter of fact, there’s only about 3%-5% of mammal species (humans included!) that are monogamous for life.

The urge to stray will be there because of human nature, but what we choose to do with that urge is what makes the difference. I speak to so many people who are riddled with guilt over lusting after someone else, and I have to explain to them that I would actually be MORE surprised if they weren’t! So, what do we do?

We make a choice. Sexual monogamy is a daily choice that we make – oftentimes without thinking. The truth is, we all have the free will to walk out and be sexual with someone else. So, what keeps us from doing it? Well, we already know that there are many who DO choose to act on the urges, and the consequences can be devastating to the relationship. Some may remain sexually monogamous but feel bored and resentful, and others may not have any issues with being sexually monogamous at all! Then there’s the rest…

If you haven’t watched the Ted Talk by Dr. Jess O’Reilly, titled “Monogamish”, do yourself a favor and watch it. This is where I believe most people fall in terms of monogamy. Research has found that very few relationships THRIVE in 100% monogamous relationships, and very few THRIVE in 100% open relationships. The majority of us actually exist somewhere along the spectrum. Now, before you take that the wrong way, let’s talk about what I actually mean by “spectrum”. Relationships aren’t always black and white in terms of sexual behavior.

So, what sort of behaviors can be found on this spectrum? Mind you, these would all have to be CONSENSUAL and AGREED UPON or else you’re risking betrayal, infidelity, and ultimately, the end of a relationship. To give you some examples (from more vanilla to less vanilla):

  • Flirting with other people (with your partner knowing)
  • Discussing people that you both find sexy, and maybe using it as fuel in the bedroom
  • Going to a strip club together and watching your partner get a lap dance
  • Sexting a third party (again, with your partner either participating or knowing that you’re doing it)
  • Exchanging videos or pictures with another couple online (there are safety tips to this, so please don’t do this if you haven’t thought it through. The internet can be amazing, but also very dangerous.)
  • Going to sex clubs to watch others have sex
  • Occasional make-out sessions with a mutually agreed-upon third person
  • Agreeing on specific parameters for consensual non-monogamy (i.e. must be in a different state or certain distance away, certain sexual behaviors being off-limits, not engaging in sexual behaviors with the same person more than once, no exchanging of contact information, etc.)

To answer the other questions – yes, I do know people who have open relationships. Does it work for them? Yes. Does it work for everyone? Nope. The younger generation seems to be more open to it, but they are also more open to other non-traditional lifestyle choices as well. So, I think as a general rule, younger folks seem to be likely to challenge the status quo, rather than roll with it.

My personal thoughts…

  • I think it can be a viable option for some long term relationships to keep the spice alive, and satisfy the sexual and emotional urge for variety.
  • I think people sometimes jump into it way too quickly, and unfortunately, it’s not something that can be erased. Remember that fantasy is almost always better than reality.
  • There MUST be agreements and parameters along the way
  • Take it step-by-step, and don’t go from sexual monogamy directly into sex with others – try the smaller steps first (see the list of monogamy spectrum examples above) and build a foundation as you go.
  • Communication is non-negotiable. Jealousy is a human emotion and not to be ignored. Just talk about it.
  • Opening up a marriage should never be done to save a failing one.
  • To remotely begin to navigate an open marriage, your CURRENT relationship should be as foundationally sound as possible.

I urge you to do your research first. Check out online communities of others who have been in the lifestyle for a while, and pick their brain. Sometimes, we get so excited about something sexual, that we neglect to think about what could go wrong. Seeking a sex therapist is also another option to help navigate this process.

Soap box over.