Tag: sex

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Why Won’t They Initiate Sex?

“Nina, how do I get my partner to initiate s3x?”That question comes up on a weekly basis in my DM’s or IG stories. What’s underneath that is more likely, “How do I get my partner to WANT to sexually engage with me more often?”. I would bet that if you and your partner were in the mood and the flirting was there, and you happen to be the one to lean in to start the make out session first, you wouldn’t feel “rejected” or frustrated because they didn’t kiss you first. You’d know you were both into it – and you’d enjoy the hell out of it. Am I right?

The issue isn’t that they aren’t initiating, necessarily. The issue is that they aren’t INTERESTED in sex, period. You feel like you are always the one who has to drop hints. You are the one who has to awkwardly make up innuendos to see if they’ll at least nibble at the carrot you just dangled. You are the one who feels rejected, defeated, and resentful. So, you resort to blatantly angry statements like, “You never initiate sex!” or “Why don’t you ever want to have sex?!” or “I have needs to ya know?!” Sound familiar?

Here’s the inside scoop.

Not only do most heterosexual couples have different sex drive types (if you want to know which one you are – click here!), but we ALLLLL have different erotic formulas. I look at erotic formulas like this…TURN ONS – TURN OFFS + YOUR UNIQUELY REQUIRED PHYSICAL STIMULATION = YOUR EF

This is probably the source of most sexual frustrations, in my opinion. It looks simple. However, behind that equation lives shame, embarrassment, and a lack of understanding of how both our bodies and human sexuality work. Many couples never have the fantasy conversation because we are too nervous about what our partner will think. We aren’t super clear on our turn-offs or how to articulate them, and many people (especially cis women) aren’t 100% clear on the physical stimulation they require for orgasm. So, you can see why this isn’t the easiest formula to figure out.

So, instead of focusing on WHO is initiating sex, be inquisitive about WHAT would make them WANT to have it in the first place. Just something to think about…😉

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Why Do We Eroticize Our Fears?

Have you ever found yourself fantasizing or eroticizing the exact thing that you fear (or are insecure about) in your relationship?

Let’s say you’re insecure about your partner cheating on you, yet you find yourself fantasizing about your partner with another person. Even more confusing, you may be…gasp…turned on by it!I hate to break it to ya…but you’re not “weird” or “broken”. You don’t have “bizarre fantasies”.

Often, our fantasies can be therapeutic for us. It’s no different than speaking to people who have experienced childhood trauma that are immensely turned on by BDSM. In our fantasies, and even in consensual sexual play, we can create and control our environment – something that was NOT the case when the traumatic event took place. When we have fears or insecurities about something in our relationship, and create a fantasy where we are in control – it can be very settling, believe it or not.

So, in the case of infidelity fears, you may fantasize about your partner cheating on you, you walking in, and JOINING! Does this mean you want it to happen? No, of course not. I have yet to meet someone who is excited about infidelity. However, in that scenario, you are in control of your fear, versus having it happen “TO” you.

So, next time you find yourself fantasizing about something that you are actually afraid of happening in your relationship, understand that it’s often a coping mechanism that our powerful minds help to create to put us in control (at least mentally).

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Tensing to orgasm?

Photo by Malvestida Magazine on Unsplash

Q: I am a 45 yr old female and have been with my husband for 15 years. The missionary position is the only position I can have an orgasm. I tense everything up in order to have an orgasm. I have always done this. I’m in pretty good physical shape, but my hips are always sore the day after we have sex. I’ve tried to stay relaxed and it either takes much longer or doesn’t happen. I’m not complaining, but just curious. My question is: Why do we tense up our muscles in order to orgasm?

(heterosexual female)

A: First and foremost – it’s AMAZING that you’re having orgasms during intercourse! Many women cannot, so kudos!

Let me preface this by owning that I am not a Doctor or medical professional. However, I am a woman with a vulva/vagina, and I research and read about sexuality for both personal AND professional reasons, so there’s that…#sexgeek.

Most people actually DO tense up as they build to orgasm! You are not experiencing anything abnormal or uncommon, whatsoever. Self disclosure: I am the same way! There are a few reasons this might be the case. First, when our bodies are aroused and working towards orgasm, blood flow increases to our genitals. By tensing our muscles, it helps that process happen faster. Many people (penis AND vagina owners) tighten their muscles – often from the waist down. There are, however, people who find themselves tensing their upper body as well!

On a totally different and possibly unscientific note (aka: me just speculating and making something up that COULD be true): When a woman tightens her Kegel muscles (think, the muscle that can stop us from peeing midstream), the glans of her clitoris (the man in the boat that we all see on the outside) sort of retracts a tad. I’ll give you a sec to try it…

Ok…we’re back. Now, follow me here for a hot minute…

Sometimes, if the pressure of the stimulus (tongue, fingers, toy, etc.) is too much for the clitoris and you clench to retract it a bit, the clitoral hood sort of buffers the stimulation to make it more tolerable to receive the clitoral stimulation.

How amazing are orgasms, right?! It’s as if our body innately does what it needs to do for our specific orgasm – “specific” being the definitive word. Women (with vaginas) tend to differ greatly in the manner in which they orgasm. From what arouses them, to the environment that needs to be created, to the actual mechanics. And it’s allllllll good!

In terms of your hips being sore, that is most likely from the constant tension during arousal while you’re working towards an orgasm. That may mean you’re tensing your butt as well (also super common) as one of the muscle groups to aid in orgasm. By tensing your butt muscles, your hips sort of drive forward as well.

Because I am not there in person to see how your hips move during sex, my other thought is how you’re moving your hips (or if you are moving them at all). Women often like to grind against the pelvic region of their partner during penetrative sex to make clitoral contact. If that’s the case, you may want to try asking your husband if he can position himself differently where HE is doing the grinding of his pelvis on your clit, versus the other way around.

Lastly, you could experiment with allowing yourself to go back and forth between tensing and then relaxing, versus staying tense consistently. It depends on how uncomfortable your hips are, and how much you want to change that outcome. I understand wanting to cut down on the time it takes, but if your sore hips are bothering you enough to want to switch things up a bit, then go for it!

Regardless of what you choose to try, just know that each of us has our own unique “orgasm formula”, and the ONLY goal is to make it work for YOU. It sounds like you’re ahead of the game! ENJOY!

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Should I be a #HotWife?

sexy wife hot woman
Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

Q: Hey Nina. So my husband and I have been married for 15 yrs and together for 22. Very recently, he’s talked to me more about me having either like a boyfriend or just another person that I have sex with and then come home to him. He has mentioned that he thinks it would be so hot to watch someone have sex with me. We’ve been talking about it more and more.

At first, I thought this might be a way of him getting to have sex with someone else. I’m the only person he’s ever been with. He says it’s not, and that he hasn’t really found anyone that he would be interested in anyway. He works with a bunch of people who are younger than us, in their 20’s, and I guess this is more of a thing with the younger generation. He says we have our relationship and our love and this would be just a pleasure/fun thing.

I’ve been thinking about it more and more and was confiding in a male friend of mine that doesn’t know my husband. He thought it was interesting too and we wound up sexting the other night. I must admit, it was really hot. And my husband thought it was hot too! I think I’m into it now and my friend and I are working on a meetup time to kinda Netflix and chill. He says there is no pressure.

My husband is an analytical person and says he has thought this through thoroughly. What are your thoughts on this? I’ve expressed my fear to my husband about this possibly ruining our marriage, but he says no. Is this just another way to spice up a long term marriage as long as all parties involved know the terms and agree to them?

A: Hi there! Ahhhh…the infamous hotwife fantasy! The desire for a man to see his wife with another man is usually referred to as “cuckolding”, or being a “hot wife”. It can take many forms depending on what you and your husband are seeking out of the sexual experience. Some men enjoy being humiliated as they watch their wife with another man. Some men love to see their wife as the object of desire of another man, knowing she is “his” to reclaim afterwards. My best advice for this is to think about what exactly you want out of this. If it is to “fix” a marriage, I would advise against – big time. If it’s to spice up a marriage, I would think about what could go wrong and see how you would both handle it.

Questions like: What sort of contact is allowed with the other men afterwards? Does your husband want to know these men, or do they have to be strangers? What happens if you start to have feelings for another man? How will you navigate it if you start to feel that this is pulling you further from your husband, rather than closer? How will you communicate negative feelings?

Bottom line is this – consensual non-monogamy is becoming more openly discussed as we learn more about human sexuality. It can absolutely spice up your current relationship and enhance communication. On the flip side, there is also a risk that it can go south (and not in a good way), and you want to be prepared for that before jumping in. I would suggest starting slowly. If you are both comfortable with sexting other people and sharing that together, then go for it! Talk about the next steps as you go. Always communicate about your feelings and be honest about what does and does not work for you.

Best of luck!

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Question: How do I bring up threesomes with my partner?

Photo by Dainis Graveris on Unsplash

Ahhh…the infamous threesome question. First and foremost, you are NOT ALONE whatsoever in your desire to have a threesome. This is one of the more common porn scene searches for both men AND women, and a fantasy that most have had at one point or another. Whenever you’re discussing fantasies with a partner, the most important piece is to go slow (don’t spring it on them the moment they walk in the door). Timing. Is. Everything.

One “rule” I try to stick with is not to have uncomfortable sex chats in the bedroom, or directly following a sexual session. We tend to be super vulnerable during and after, and we want to approach the topic at a neutral time (and even a neutral location!). If you’ve already watched porn together, try watching threesome porn together and see how your partner reacts. Maybe even ask them, “What are your thoughts on threesomes? Did you think that clip was sexy, or no?” Sometimes it’s easier to have a laid back conversation about the idea in general, versus flat out asking them for a threesome.

Their answer will determine whether or not to take the conversation to the next “phase”. If your partner says that they think it’s sexy, you can say something like, “Yeah, I think so, too. Would you ever do that in real life, or is it more of a fantasy thing?”

If you ever decide to have a threesome, there are a number of questions you want to ask yourself before making it happen. But that’s for another blog post…