You just thought about a woman, didn’t you – yeah, I don’t blame you. Our culture sorta pushes that in our face. Women hook up with women, and it’s “hot”. Men hook up with men, and they’re gay. Makes total sense, right? (eye roll).
One of my (many) exhausting habits is challenging belief systems. Not to be a pain in the ass (although, I’m sure I can be), but to constantly check in with myself to see if my current beliefs actually make sense to me. They may feel comfortable due to how long they’ve been renting space in my head, but do they really make sense to me? Are they serving me, or closing me off?
Our culture equates man-on-man action (and love) to “femininity”.
I’m going to stop right there. How can two MEN being sexual with each other, be feminine? Ohhhhh, I get it – because FEMALES are the only ones who are supposed to be sexual with men. Got it (insert culturally internalized homophobia). I am LIGHT YEARS away from being homophobic (I mean…duh…it’s me) – but that belief system sorta smells like it, does it not?
Besides, have you ever watched men have sex with each other in porn? I’m talking about homemade, REAL couples having sex – not the performative shit. Just like woman-on-woman, you will find powerful “fucking”, as well as slow, soft, and sensual love making. My point is, sex isn’t a gender thing. It’s kinda like, oh…I don’t know…a HUMAN thing.
Second, femininity is seen as “soft and sensual” in our culture. Yes, women TEND to be more soft and sensual, but how do we even know if that’s a nature or nurture thing? Perhaps both? Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever seen porn clips that include dominant females, but ummmm…they are certainly not all puppies and flowers. Contrary to popular belief, women can be incredibly powerful and dominant in bed. Furthermore, there are plenty of heterosexual men who PREFER a dominant woman. On a personal note, if you knew how many women I’ve spoken to who WISHED they could dominate their male partners, you’d question the whole “all women are soft and sensual” shit. Besides, you actually don’t have to choose one or the other. Shocking, right?! Yet another cultural message blasted to smithereens. NEXT!
I recently asked a gay male friend of mine if he knew any bisexual men that I could have on my podcast. I assumed if anyone would know a bisexual guy, it would be my gay guy friends.
“HA! I don’t even know any. With us, it’s sorta like…you’re either gay or straight.”
Interesting, I thought to myself. Is bisexuality in men not even a thing in gay culture? So, if bisexual men don’t feel accepted or understood in the straight community, and the gay community doesn’t really see them as bi, but more likely gay – then no wonder the topic isn’t discussed!
I’ve spoken to several straight-living, stereotypically masculine men who have told me they were curious about men – some have even entertained their curiosity. Now, try to imagine what those men look like…
Would you be surprised if I told you they were all happily married to women? How about the fact that one of them was a very muscular police officer? Or what about the man who was very passionate about his religion?
There’s also this other thing. You can be attracted to the same sex, but not interested in a relationship with them. I know women who are sexual with women, but have zero desire to have a relationship with them. Men are no different. I’m learning (yes, I am always learning), that even down to how we connect to a sexual orientation is impacted by gender norms.
Ya see, fear is what keeps us from talking. When we don’t talk, we hold onto our personal experiences and thoughts. We keep them in a box that is locked away – only to be shared with a select few, or none at all. In reality, many of us have similar “stuff” in our boxes. Most of us will spend our entire life with the box closed, far away from anyone who could potentially break into it.
So, if you’re a straight man reading this, and you’re wondering if you’re the only one who has been curious about what it would be like to be with a man, you’re actually not as “special” as you think you are; no more “special” than a woman who is curious about other women. The difference being that society has deemed the latter more socially acceptable. On what grounds you ask? I’m still waiting to understand that, too…