Bi-Bi, Taboo!


You just thought about a woman, didn’t you – yeah, I don’t blame you. Our culture sorta pushes that in our face. Women hook up with women, and it’s “hot”. Men hook up with men, and they’re gay. Makes total sense, right? (eye roll).

One of my (many) exhausting habits is challenging belief systems. Not to be a pain in the ass (although, I’m sure I can be), but to constantly check in with myself to see if my current beliefs actually make sense to me. They may feel comfortable due to how long they’ve been renting space in my head, but do they really make sense to me? Are they serving me, or closing me off?

Our culture equates man-on-man action (and love) to “femininity”.

I’m going to stop right there. How can two MEN being sexual with each other, be feminine? Ohhhhh, I get it – because FEMALES are the only ones who are supposed to be sexual with men. Got it (insert culturally internalized homophobia). I am LIGHT YEARS away from being homophobic (I mean…duh…it’s me) – but that belief system sorta smells like it, does it not?

Besides, have you ever watched men have sex with each other in porn? I’m talking about homemade, REAL couples having sex – not the performative shit. Just like woman-on-woman, you will find powerful “fucking”, as well as slow, soft, and sensual love making. My point is, sex isn’t a gender thing. It’s kinda like, oh…I don’t know…a HUMAN thing.

Second, femininity is seen as “soft and sensual” in our culture. Yes, women TEND to be more soft and sensual, but how do we even know if that’s a nature or nurture thing? Perhaps both? Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever seen porn clips that include dominant females, but ummmm…they are certainly not all puppies and flowers. Contrary to popular belief, women can be incredibly powerful and dominant in bed. Furthermore, there are plenty of heterosexual men who PREFER a dominant woman. On a personal note, if you knew how many women I’ve spoken to who WISHED they could dominate their male partners, you’d question the whole “all women are soft and sensual” shit. Besides, you actually don’t have to choose one or the other. Shocking, right?! Yet another cultural message blasted to smithereens. NEXT!

I recently asked a gay male friend of mine if he knew any bisexual men that I could have on my podcast. I assumed if anyone would know a bisexual guy, it would be my gay guy friends.

“HA! I don’t even know any. With us, it’s sorta like…you’re either gay or straight.”

Interesting, I thought to myself. Is bisexuality in men not even a thing in gay culture? So, if bisexual men don’t feel accepted or understood in the straight community, and the gay community doesn’t really see them as bi, but more likely gay – then no wonder the topic isn’t discussed!

I’ve spoken to several straight-living, stereotypically masculine men who have told me they were curious about men – some have even entertained their curiosity. Now, try to imagine what those men look like…

Would you be surprised if I told you they were all happily married to women? How about the fact that one of them was a very muscular police officer? Or what about the man who was very passionate about his religion? 

There’s also this other thing. You can be attracted to the same sex, but not interested in a relationship with them. I know women who are sexual with women, but have zero desire to have a relationship with them. Men are no different. I’m learning (yes, I am always learning), that even down to how we connect to a sexual orientation is impacted by gender norms.

Ya see, fear is what keeps us from talking. When we don’t talk, we hold onto our personal experiences and thoughts. We keep them in a box that is locked away – only to be shared with a select few, or none at all. In reality, many of us have similar “stuff” in our boxes. Most of us will spend our entire life with the box closed, far away from anyone who could potentially break into it.

So, if you’re a straight man reading this, and you’re wondering if you’re the only one who has been curious about what it would be like to be with a man, you’re actually not as “special” as you think you are; no more “special” than a woman who is curious about other women. The difference being that society has deemed the latter more socially acceptable. On what grounds you ask? I’m still waiting to understand that, too…

Can Long-Term Relationships Ever Feel “New” Again?

Although this email came to from a woman who is in a relationship with another woman, this is no different in heterosexual relationships either. Read her email below.

My wife confided in me last night that she had sex with a man during the one time she and I broke up (about 2 years into our relationship; broken up for 3 weeks mostly as a result of some messed up things her family felt towards her relationship with another woman). I wasn’t mad. Not in the slightest. I was: Impressed? Proud? TURNED ON? So many things. I had/have this primal desire to reclaim her as *mine* (uh, we’ve now been together 11 years, married, kids, etc. She’s mine, ha!).

I don’t know what my question is. I enjoy this feeling. I feel like I’m seeing my wife differently – in a good way. We made out (just that) for the first time in YEARS (without leading to sex) and it was like we were 20 again.

And, another part of me is sad. She said “That’s it. I don’t have a single secret left.” And it dawned on me – those early butterfly stages are gone. This little blip (bomb as I called it) was the last little “BANG” she gave me. Of course there are other things in life (kids, etc.) that make me fall for this person over and over. But for a split second (that I’m still riding) I saw my wife as I saw her all those years ago – as an independent sexual person who I want to get in bed with SO badly!

(Lesbian, Female)

Well, first and foremost – BRAVO for being open with each other, receptive, and non-judgmental. Extra bonus that it benefited your current sexual relationship!

Let’s start by defining the word, DESIRE.

“…a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.”

So, by definition, desire creeps in when we want something we don’t have. In this example, you may “have” her now, but when you found out that she slept with another person (especially a man, in this scenario), a few things may have happened…

1. In the absence of comfort and complacency, we often enter competitive mode!
Your comfort and complacency were threatened (not necessarily in a “bad” way). Often, in long term relationships, we get comfortable and complacent. We forget the fact that, in reality, we can never truly guarantee that our partners will always stay with us. However, we do tend to fall back on that assumption after a while – especially in trusting and communicative relationships. The moment we are faced with the fact that our partner desires other people, it threatens that level of safety and comfort. Although we may assume that our partner obviously finds other people attractive, we may not talk about it often, and (in monogamous relationships) we certainly don’t expect to have discussions about who we’ve slept with outside the marriage.

That feeling of wanting to “reclaim” her, is a human response. I go over this in my blog on Hot Wives/Wife sharing as well. Think about when you were a kid and some jerky classmate stole a ball that you were playing with on the playground. What happened? Aside from probably crying, you may have found yourself angry, and even plotting ways to steal it back – am I right? The jerky kid threatened your level of comfort in knowing that the ball was in your possession. Once you got the ball back, how incredible did that feel? You probably appreciated it more, and may have even become more protective of it! See where I’m going with this? Sound familiar?

2. The Madonna/Whore Complex is a thing. No, I am not calling anyone a whore here (although I challenge you to ask yourself why that would be seen as an insult if I did – but that’s for another blog.). It’s an actual concept that has been studied many times. Psychoanalytic (Freud) thinking was that men could not sexually desire a woman they loved (Madonna), and could not love a woman they desired (whore). Essentially, it’s the idea that women are seen as either “good” – pure, innocent, amenable Madonnnas, or “bad” – sexual, promiscuous, seductive, whores. I won’t get into the patriarchal BS of the concept now, but it does explain a lot of struggles people have in long-term relationships, sexually speaking. This happens with people who have children as well. When someone becomes a mother, sometimes their partner(s) have a hard time seeing them as sexual. Society has deemed motherhood and sexuality to be mutually exclusive (cannot go together).

In this specific example, the writer said in her own words, “But for a split second (that I’m still riding) I saw my wife as I saw her all those years ago – as an independent sexual person who I want to get in bed with SO badly!

This is precisely what I’m referring to! We often “forget” how sexual our partner was in their life before us. We are so intertwined, and up each other’s butts (not in a good way), that it’s hard to remember how we saw them years ago.

But, guess what? I have REALLY amazing news!

You can create/recreate those feelings! Yes, even in a long-term relationship. It takes creativity, openness, and honest communication. It’s a dance between wanting to stay with what’s comfortable, and being willing to push the envelope a bit. From choosing activities that neither of you have done before, to bringing some fantasies close enough to reality to illicit that dopamine rush – it’s all possible!

I work with couples on this exact process, and each couple is so unique (which is what makes it so damn fun!).