My Body Was Not Always a Wonderland

(*TRIGGER WARNING*)

I have a diary entry from when I was about 9 years old that was focused on the fact that I weighed 72 pounds. I vividly remember writing that number down and circling it in my diary.

When I was younger, “Twiggy”, was the popular model. You can imagine how she got her name, and the message it sent to all of us females. I started smoking cigarettes on and off starting in 6th grade – never getting addicted, because truthfully, I hated it. It smelled awful, and I would get nauseous more often than not. I continued, though, because it would make me skinny, and that was the goal – right?

I drank my first slim fast in 6th grade. One day, I almost passed out in gym class from a lack of food. The fu*cked up part? I wasn’t afraid. It made me feel like I was getting somewhere with my weight. I was going to be skinny, and everything would be ok.

Throughout middle school, I was bullied HEAVILY for breaking up with a boy that apparently wasn’t “allowed” to be broken up with. He and his “popular” friends had a blast with me for three years straight. I spent my days in the nurses office convinced I was going to vomit on a daily basis.

In high school, swimming was a mandatory part of PE class. I feared freshman year more for that reason, than anything else. I had my parents plead with a friend of ours, who was a Doctor, to write a note stating that I couldn’t swim due to my skin being sensitive to chlorine. That wasn’t real…but the hatred towards my body was.

The summer before college, my OCD and anxiety had taken on a life of its own and I was sick. I wasn’t eating. I wasn’t going to the bathroom (duh – there was nothing in there🙄). I had irrational fears of fainting (again-thanks OCD), so driving alone anywhere was a big ordeal. I got down to 110 lbs before college, and my hip bones were showing. I was nauseous 100% of the time, every day. People complimented me.

“Nina, you look so thin. Are you ok?”.

I looked sick. Thin – but sick. I felt like I was supposed to be happier than I was. I mean, I had wanted to be thin since I was a small child…at 72 pounds.

Undergrad and grad school were both met with my fair share of internal body shaming, but frankly – those four years were also some of the best years of my life. I was preoccupied with college life.

Now, I’m 39 and I have two children. My life and body have changed quite a bit over the years…and so has my mind. Now, my inner monologue leads me to create moments like the one I had a few hours ago…

😬I TOUCHED MYSELF IN THE SHOWER TONIGHT😬

But…not in the way you’re thinking…

I touched the parts that I’ve argued with my entire life. As the water ran down my body, I saw the wet beads travel across a terrain that once seemed so foreign to me – especially after two kids. The water didn’t travel straight down, and it didn’t travel smoothly. It changed directions, and sometimes it pooled in my bellybutton that now hangs differently from a bellybutton piercing scar. It’s now a stretched surface from growing two humans. Sometimes, I even lost track of where the water went.

After trailing down my stomach, it cascaded down the sides of my hips. Hips that surround a womb whose cervix failed to open wide enough to let either of my kids pass through “naturally” (I heavily dislike that word when it comes to birthing, FYI). Because of my stubborn cervix, both children were removed surgically, as proven by the two *almost* symmetrical scar lines above my bikini area.

Then, my thighs. Talk about topography! The cellulite, the dimples, the curves…all of it.

As all of this was happening, I let my hands move across my body in a way that didn’t say, “I hate you.” I touched those parts with apologetic hands. I squeezed the soft parts and thanked it for being good to me when I was so damn awful to them for so long. I smiled at my stomach for carrying two kids, for loving just about every food out there, for being strong underneath the sub-Instagram quality surface, and for simply being mine.

I squeezed my thighs to purposely feel the soreness from the leg workout that I HAPPILY did yesterday, because I was able to – not something that everyone has the ability to do.

I even looked at my damn boobs! Yup! One is smaller than the other (FYI very common). They aren’t perky and porn-like. They are mine. And after seeing too many of my loved ones lose theirs – I no longer dare to take them for granted.

So, next time you see me post a bikini picture, or twerk for the whole world to see – understand this…

It’s NOT because I love my body all the time, and I certainly don’t have a magazine body. It’s because I have learned to ACCEPT it – with kinder words, softer hands, healthier thoughts, and as many well-deserved orgasms as I can possibly provide it. So, there’s that…

The “Perfect” Relationship Myth

I want you to know something. I personally believe (read: this is an OPINION) that long-term relationships have moments…and even phases (think months, or even years) where you swear you’re alone. Yes – even while you’re IN the relationship. Your sex drives don’t match. Your communication styles are polar opposites. You argue over parenting techniques. You barely recognize each other, and you feel like you’d be better off apart. Then one of two things happens: You either move through it and stay together (and that move through process looks different for everyone), OR one or both decide to go your separate ways. Sound familiar?

There is SO MUCH SHAME around relationship struggles. I see it ALL THE TIME. That’s because somewhere along the line, we were taught that relationships/marriages just sorta “happen”- and if it doesn’t, then you’ve “failed” at relationshipping (it’s a word. I just made it up.) Like, if it was a “good” relationship, it would seamlessly happen with no effort required.

Can you imagine how your perspective would be different if we were taught to EXPECT difficult times? To EXPECT to desire other people? To EXPECT to question if we are in the right relationship? To EXPECT to argue over parenting, sex, and money?

Maybe we wouldn’t be so afraid and avoidant when it comes to conflict. Maybe we’d learn more effective communication skills, and focus on self-awareness. Maybe we wouldn’t have as much guilt about totally normal thoughts.

The human experience for most of us (if not all) is a series of shit shows, fu*& ups, and painful lessons. It’s ALSO a series of elation, excitement, awesome sexual experiences, and butterflies in our stomach. It isn’t supposed to be one or the other. You can actually be a totally worthy human being and have BOTH the good and the crappy. Imagine that! 🙄

If a relationship doesn’t work out, you’re not a failure. You’re human – welcome to the damn club. If your relationship is going through a rough phase right now and you want to fight for it, then fight for it. If your relationship has agreements that differ from your friends/family, but works awesome for you guys, rock on!

None of us are immune to relationship struggles. NONE. OF. US. So, can we just sorta throw the shame stuff out the window? It has no place here. 

You’re a Man

Lately, in both my personal and professional life, I have witnessed men struggling more so than usual, and my heart aches. I am, and will continue, serving ALL HUMAN BEINGS. I will help you challenge belief systems that make you feel anything other than worthy and valid.

Remember that pointing out the pain of one group does not, and never will, diminish the pain of any other group. So, tonight, this one’s for the guys…

“It’s as if you were created only to feel a select number of emotions. Should you need to feel anything else, your default is to go back to the original allowable few. Your only instructions are to keep going long after your batteries have run out. When you break – and you will – you should know how to put yourself back together without any help. You don’t require help. You’ll be ok – you’re a man.

You will experience loss and pain. But don’t speak. People will question your allegiance to societal constructs, and we all know we can’t have that. But, you’ll be ok – you’re a man.

You are to hunt – food, enemies, and women. Hunting anything or anyone else is inherently “wrong”. Should you feel the urge to hunt otherwise, refrain. You’re good at hiding your soul, remember? You’ll be ok – you’re a man.

You are to sexually ravish others. To be ready, willing, and most importantly, able. At all times. Every time. Your handful of allowable emotions can never interfere with this required way of being. Should you struggle, avoid all related conversations and move on. Be silent about your fears, insecurities, and most definitely, your faults. Deny them at all costs, especially in the bedroom. You should easily be able to disconnect and compartmentalize. It’s ok – you’re a man.

You will face confusion, loss, anxiety, hopelessness, depression, intrusive thoughts, sexual shame and guilt, and abuse. Funnel it all into anger. Get angry. Anger is safe. Anger is allowed. You’ll be ok – you’re a man.

So just be a man, and you’ll be ok…until you’re not.

And when that day comes, I urge you to break every damn rule you’ve been prescribed. I beg you to feel all of the forbidden emotions, and feel them as hard as you can. Let anger be your last choice, and no longer allow it to be the sheep in wolves clothing. Break down. Make it known when you DON’T want to have sex, and when you want to relinquish dominance and control. Face trauma and process it with a professional – because you DESERVE healing. Love whoever the hell you want to love. Be afraid. Be a protector one day, and need protecting the next.

It’s ok not to be ok…you’re a man.”

💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

Difficult Conversations with Our Kids…

I realized something today.

Well, I should say that I took ACTION on a realization today – I’ve had this realization long before today.

Despite the fact that my career is based on uncomfortable conversations, there are moments in my life when I do my best to avoid them. I’ve also noticed a pattern with my avoidance. I avoid difficult conversations with my kids. I know the impact that I have on their development as human beings, and frankly…it scares the shit out of me sometimes. Actually…all the time.

How do I explain, in the midst of an already unpredictable and emotionally chaotic time, that the Corona virus isn’t our biggest hurdle to jump right now as a country? As an entire world! So, I took my own advice this morning about the importance of HAVING the hard conversations.

I was eating lunch with the kids, and casually said, “I’m glad there’s a march happening downtown today,” as I scrolled through Facebook on my phone. To be honest, I set that up because I knew one of them would be curious and ask what the march was about. And they both did – almost simultaneously. So I began…

I asked if they knew what racism was. Their answer was, “Yeah, that’s when people say bad things for no reason about people who look different.” Mind you, they are 8 and 10, and I was content with their answer. However, I knew I couldn’t couldn’t chicken out and leave it there – and I didn’t.

I asked if they remembered learning about slavery. They said, “Yeah, that happened like…so long ago!”

“Yes,” I agreed, “…but unfortunately, people still believe that people with different colored skin are less than, or beneath people with white skin.” I waited…

“What?! Still?! But, I’m friends with (listed some of their friends who have different colored skin), and I don’t treat them bad!”

“Correct. You don’t. Unfortunately, there are still plenty of people who do.”

I started to get a knot in my stomach, because I knew damn well I was avoiding the event that sparked the most recent worldwide march. So, I leaned in and told them. I told them about George Floyd. I told them how there are bad police officers, just like there are bad people who aren’t police officers. I told them that even though we, as a family, just see human beings, the truth is, some of their friends will be treated differently SOLELY based on the color of their skin.

They stood there sort of blank faced – probably wondering what this had to do with them since they aren’t racist. Then, I remembered a post I saw about the difference between “not being racist”, and being actively “anti-racism”. Like most kids, they needed to know specifically how this impacts them.

I explained that it’s one thing not to be racist, and another to stand up AGAINST racism. I gave examples of how they can play their part in this world by speaking up if they hear someone make racist comments, or make assumptions about someone based on race.

The hard truth in all of this? I’m not sure who learned more from the conversation – my kids…or me…

Can Long-Term Relationships Ever Feel “New” Again?

Although this email came to from a woman who is in a relationship with another woman, this is no different in heterosexual relationships either. Read her email below.

My wife confided in me last night that she had sex with a man during the one time she and I broke up (about 2 years into our relationship; broken up for 3 weeks mostly as a result of some messed up things her family felt towards her relationship with another woman). I wasn’t mad. Not in the slightest. I was: Impressed? Proud? TURNED ON? So many things. I had/have this primal desire to reclaim her as *mine* (uh, we’ve now been together 11 years, married, kids, etc. She’s mine, ha!).

I don’t know what my question is. I enjoy this feeling. I feel like I’m seeing my wife differently – in a good way. We made out (just that) for the first time in YEARS (without leading to sex) and it was like we were 20 again.

And, another part of me is sad. She said “That’s it. I don’t have a single secret left.” And it dawned on me – those early butterfly stages are gone. This little blip (bomb as I called it) was the last little “BANG” she gave me. Of course there are other things in life (kids, etc.) that make me fall for this person over and over. But for a split second (that I’m still riding) I saw my wife as I saw her all those years ago – as an independent sexual person who I want to get in bed with SO badly!

(Lesbian, Female)

Well, first and foremost – BRAVO for being open with each other, receptive, and non-judgmental. Extra bonus that it benefited your current sexual relationship!

Let’s start by defining the word, DESIRE.

“…a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.”

So, by definition, desire creeps in when we want something we don’t have. In this example, you may “have” her now, but when you found out that she slept with another person (especially a man, in this scenario), a few things may have happened…

1. In the absence of comfort and complacency, we often enter competitive mode!
Your comfort and complacency were threatened (not necessarily in a “bad” way). Often, in long term relationships, we get comfortable and complacent. We forget the fact that, in reality, we can never truly guarantee that our partners will always stay with us. However, we do tend to fall back on that assumption after a while – especially in trusting and communicative relationships. The moment we are faced with the fact that our partner desires other people, it threatens that level of safety and comfort. Although we may assume that our partner obviously finds other people attractive, we may not talk about it often, and (in monogamous relationships) we certainly don’t expect to have discussions about who we’ve slept with outside the marriage.

That feeling of wanting to “reclaim” her, is a human response. I go over this in my blog on Hot Wives/Wife sharing as well. Think about when you were a kid and some jerky classmate stole a ball that you were playing with on the playground. What happened? Aside from probably crying, you may have found yourself angry, and even plotting ways to steal it back – am I right? The jerky kid threatened your level of comfort in knowing that the ball was in your possession. Once you got the ball back, how incredible did that feel? You probably appreciated it more, and may have even become more protective of it! See where I’m going with this? Sound familiar?

2. The Madonna/Whore Complex is a thing. No, I am not calling anyone a whore here (although I challenge you to ask yourself why that would be seen as an insult if I did – but that’s for another blog.). It’s an actual concept that has been studied many times. Psychoanalytic (Freud) thinking was that men could not sexually desire a woman they loved (Madonna), and could not love a woman they desired (whore). Essentially, it’s the idea that women are seen as either “good” – pure, innocent, amenable Madonnnas, or “bad” – sexual, promiscuous, seductive, whores. I won’t get into the patriarchal BS of the concept now, but it does explain a lot of struggles people have in long-term relationships, sexually speaking. This happens with people who have children as well. When someone becomes a mother, sometimes their partner(s) have a hard time seeing them as sexual. Society has deemed motherhood and sexuality to be mutually exclusive (cannot go together).

In this specific example, the writer said in her own words, “But for a split second (that I’m still riding) I saw my wife as I saw her all those years ago – as an independent sexual person who I want to get in bed with SO badly!

This is precisely what I’m referring to! We often “forget” how sexual our partner was in their life before us. We are so intertwined, and up each other’s butts (not in a good way), that it’s hard to remember how we saw them years ago.

But, guess what? I have REALLY amazing news!

You can create/recreate those feelings! Yes, even in a long-term relationship. It takes creativity, openness, and honest communication. It’s a dance between wanting to stay with what’s comfortable, and being willing to push the envelope a bit. From choosing activities that neither of you have done before, to bringing some fantasies close enough to reality to illicit that dopamine rush – it’s all possible!

I work with couples on this exact process, and each couple is so unique (which is what makes it so damn fun!).

Cheers!


Is the MFM/Hot Wife Fantasy Common?

Q: I’m a 54 yr. old male. I’ve had numerous partners, and lived out some fantasies. But my biggest one is to do a m/f/m or hot wife scenario. This gets me so hot. Is this common?
(heterosexual, male)

A: If I had a nickel for every time I was asked this question…

For context purposes, I’m going to address this question in terms of heterosexual couples. However, partner sharing is by NO means, just a “heterosexual thing”. Also, I might use the term cuckolding and hot wifing interchangeably. Cuckolding is a term that refers to watching your partner have sex with someone else. Side note: “Cuckqueaning” is the female equivalent of cuckolding. It’s when a female enjoys watching her partner being sexual with someone else. Anywho…

I’m happy to report that you are, indeed, “normal”. As a rule, I tend to steer clear from the word “normal” when talking about humans, because it really doesn’t exist – nor does it validate or invalidate any of our emotions.

Back to the fantasy…

On a psychological level, there is so much about this fantasy that makes sense. The bottom line being that it goes against societal expectations. Period. Men are expected to be territorial and not want another man to “win their prize”. I know you can’t see me, but I’m rolling me eyes – big time.

When it comes to our sexuality, it should be common knowledge (although it is SO not) that the more taboo – the more out of the norm a thought is – the MORE arousing it can be. If the norm is that men should never look to share their wives, or actually desire (gasp!) to watch their wives be sexually pleased by another man, then guess what? The OPPOSITE is usually what would be more exciting to fantasize about. Rarely will a man (or anyone, really) tell me that his biggest fantasy is something that he does on a daily basis.

Let me parallel this for a hot sec. I am OBSESSED with prison and death row documentaries. Why? Because I have never been to prison or death row, and it’s a life that is so foreign to the one I lead. Does it mean I am secretly some serial killer who wants to be read my last rights as I sit strapped in a chair? Negative Ghost Rider. It actually has LESS to do with the ACTUAL content of the documentary, and MORE to do with the fact that it is so far from my reality. Sexual fantasies are no different.

There are a number of directions this could go as far as explaining why a man might have this fantasy (all valid, by the way), but what really matters most is that there should be ZERO shame around it. So, let me try to shed some light on this fantasy for anyone else who has it (and I know there are many).

Especially in long term relationships, men can start to see their female partner in a light that doesn’t scream naughty vixen (don’t be fooled, women are HIGHLY sexual). Often, their wife might also be the mother of their children. This dives into the Madonna/Whore complex – where men have a hard time seeing their wives as sexual.

With that in mind, seeing their wife with another man is like seeing her in a totally different light! It reminds the husband that his wife is indeed a sexual being, can easily shed that pure and innocent hat, and turn into the object of desire very quickly. Additionally, there may be a surge of competition that comes up for the husband while he’s enjoying the view of his oh-so-innocent wife getting manhandled from behind by another man (you’re welcome for the visual). There could also be an ego and pride aspect to it. You have this super hot wife, and other men want her. You’re the “King”, and all of these men are looking to you as this lucky SOB who has the hot wife (*pats yourself on the back*).

Another reason could be compersion. Compersion is finding joy in witnessing another person’s enjoyment of something. A non-sexual example would be watching your child having a blast on the swing set, or seeing them win an award and being ecstatic about it. However, we’re clearly not talking about non-sexual things right now. Sexually speaking, compersion is finding happiness in witnessing your partner have a joyful sexual or romantic experience with someone else. This term is common in the polyamorous community, but is also a valid term in this hot wife example.

You wanna get clinical for a minute? Let’s talk evolutionary theory. Sounds fun, right?

Sperm competition is an evolutionary theory that when men suspect (or know) that their female partner is having sex with other men, it increases their desire to ejaculate inside their partner to, quite literally, compete with the other men’s sperm. It’s like a race to the egg! In the early 2000’s, there were two different studies done regarding sperm competition. One found that there was actually more sperm in the ejaculate when men watched cuckolding porn [1]. The other study found that when men suspected their female partner to be unfaithful, they tended to thrust harder during penetrative sex [2]. Some scientists argue that this may be a subconscious effort to force the other men’s sperm out of the woman’s vagina – or at least force the other sperm out of the damn way!

So, here you are thinking there is something “wrong” with you for being turned on by hot wifing/cucklolding, when in reality it may be an evolutionary response!

The moral of the story is this: Underneath the psychobabble rant I just went on, and far beyond the evolutionary theory that I just vomited, please know that YOU. ARE. HUMAN. Your fantasies are valid whether or not they are “normal”. Normal is not the goal with our sexuality. As a matter of fact, the word has ZERO place in the human experience at all. You know what is the goal, though? Consensual, safe, authentic, vulnerable, fulfilling, pleasure – and that will look different for all of us.

[1] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1617155/
[2] https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1090513803000163

Purpose in Pain: Controlling the Uncontrollable

Photo by Logan Fisher on Unsplash

One of the most evolutionary parts of being human is our instinct to survive. Back in the day, it was based on physical safety. A tiger would be near, your senses would heighten, and you would be able to fight the tiger (not the best decision), or get the hell out of there, running faster than usual. Pure survival mode. Humans avoid pain as a way to survive. It keeps us safe. The concept makes sense, and I really have nothing to argue there.

But what about emotional pain? I mean, we still experience fight or flight when we’re waiting for news about our sick pet, when we are about to start a difficult conversation, or when we think our partner is being unfaithful. None of those scenarios are inherently dangerous or threaten our lives, but our autonomic nervous system didn’t get the memo, apparently.

I often joke about being great in an emergency because, chances are, I’ve already experienced the damn scenario in my head multiple times. I’ve emotionally “lived through” some of the most horrific situations…without them ever happening. It’s a skill, really…(eye roll).

My rational brain (which is somewhere really freakin deep in there) knows that fearing emotional pain will not actually make it any easier to deal with, should it happen. That fear is our brain’s way of trying to live through the experience to eliminate the feeling of the “unknown”. You see, as human beings, we don’t tolerate the unknown or ambiguity very well. We would probably feel much more at ease if we knew we could control all of our experiences. However, for most things in life…we don’t have control. If that makes you anxious, stay with me here…

I’ve lived over three decades anxious about the unknown. As a child, I feared the sudden death of my parents. Why? Because they were my safe space (still are). They provided certainty, and a controlled environment. When I was engaged to my (now) husband, I had horrific anxiety over him dying as well (yeah, I know…total buzzkill.). Self-disclosure: I had a total meltdown days before our wedding, because I figured that, statistically, I would experience his death before he experienced mine, and I couldn’t fathom that pain. When we talked about kids, guess what I feared? Yup! The death of a child. At first, I didn’t want to have kids, because the fear of losing a child was THAT strong for me. Spoiler alert: I have two kids, and so far so good.

Are the fears gone now? Hell no. They are still loud and clear.

So, what’s different now?

Purpose. I’ve made seeking purpose a regular part of my life. I’ve literally taken one of the most internally controllable variables, and turned it into something to help me feel more in control of the…well..uncontrollable.

This isn’t anything new, folks. It happens around us all the time. Many parents who lost children in the Sandy Hook tragedy have taken their pain and developed a purpose. Whether it was spearheading the building of a new playground in memoriam of the children lost, or kindness programs being rolled out in schools across the country – the underlying theme? PURPOSE.

I consistently work (definitive word being WORK) to find purpose in whatever pain I’m experiencing. When I was struggling with Motherhood, I created a Facebook group for Moms that was solely based on off-colored, sarcastic, inappropriate memes about being a Mom. I have close to 1,000 members in that group now, and have developed amazing friendships. I also offered an in-person Mom guilt workshop that I am now in the process of making available online. When I recently found myself sitting in immense anxiety during quarantine, I started doing live shows on Facebook about any and all topics having to do with mental health and sexuality. I’ve discovered that the most effective way for me to heal myself, is by helping to heal others.

I know this time is surreal. I know it can feel like it’s never ending. It’s also a great time to use your uncomfortable feelings and direct that energy towards a purpose. Remember, you can have a million different purposes throughout your life depending on where your pain is coming from. When we find purpose in our pain, we remove ourselves from the victim’s seat, and become the victor. Our pain doesn’t have to be some empty dark hole that we continue to fall into. By finding purpose, we can propel through the pain.

The moral of the story is this: Finding purpose in pain allows us to be in the driver’s seat of our healing process. We may not always know what lies ahead, but seek solace in the fact that our hands are always the ones on the wheel. <3

The Power of Our “Different”

desires fear shame guilt box pandora

I may or may not be known for pushing our cultural envelope😬. It’s not because I like to stir things up; I’m a Libra – I like the complete OPPOSITE of stirring things up. It’s because I know what it’s like to be a prisoner of my own thoughts. I know what it’s like to wonder what others would think if they REALLY knew what I was thinking. I know what it’s like to feel like the world is going on around me, and as much I’d love to be “normal” like everyone else, it just won’t happen. 

I also know what it’s like to be on the other side of all that wondering. To have finally pushed far enough passed my shit, that I “get it” now. I know what it’s like to lean in to what I fear the most about myself. I know what it’s like to finally realize that nobody is normal. As a matter of fact – it DOESN’T. EVEN. EXIST. 

I speak about taboo topics for a reason. It’s because it’s in those conversations that people start to let go of their “not normal”. Mental health and sexuality are the two most silenced topics in our culture, yet it causes the most pain for so many of us. So, while I spent the better part of three decades trying to assimilate into “NORMAL”, I failed to understand the power of my “DIFFERENT”. Ironically, it’s not just something I have. So do you. Like I did for so long, many of you have just been hiding it, fighting it, and covering it up. 

Whether it’s mental illness, addiction, past trauma, or sexual fantasies and desires, it doesn’t matter. The foundational issue is the same. We’ve been taught that our “different” needs to be hidden and kept from the outside world. 

People may wonder why I am so candid about my “different”. It’s because I’ve learned that fear, shame, and guilt CANNOT survive in the light. For many of us, those emotions live in a dark room with the door locked – and they thrive in that space. 

Do yourself a favor – walk into the room and turn on the light. Oh – and if you want a hand to hold through it, I’m here. I don’t need directions…I’ve been there before ❤

(As always, feel free to share.)

The Other Side of Anxiety: What ALSO is…

When the outside world seems so uncertain, anxiety rears its ugly head. For those who already have underlying struggles with anxiety, it seems almost unmanageable. I wish I could say you’re the only one. I wish I could say I don’t know how you feel. Both would be a lie.

Living my entire life with OCD (which is usually accompanied by anxiety), I’ve learned coping strategies when times like these hit. No, it’s not easy. No, it isn’t a one size fits all. However, there’s a common denominator amongst us anxiety warriors. We focus on the WHAT IF, and only ONE SIDE of the WHAT IS. But what about the “other side”? The what ALSO IS. Allow me to explain…

Given the current emotional chaos that COVID-19 has caused, let’s use it as my first example. This may trigger anxiety, but try to trust me with where I’m going with it. For many of us, we’re afraid that we might get the virus, and furthermore…die from it. We’re afraid for our loved ones getting sick as well. Understandable? Of course. Because of our anxiety, we are focusing on the WHAT IF, and ONE SIDE of the WHAT IS that exists – people are getting sick and, yes, some are dying.

You want to know what ALSO is?

I have an extended family member (that I am not living with) that tested positive for COVID-19. Guess what? She’s alive, and on her way to recovery – as are many others. As I write this article, there are a total of 103,321 cases in the US, and 1,668 deaths (CDC.gov). So, clearly there are many infected who are also surviving the virus. Anxiety doesn’t want to focus on that, because it doesn’t affirm our fears – and that’s how anxiety thrives. So, it’s critical to not leave out the “What ALSO is”.

Now, let’s talk cancer – another fear of many. Self disclosure – it’s one of my triggers. My anxiety focuses on death, chemo, side effects, financial stress of being out of work, etc. Is any of that valid? Yup! But you know what ALSO IS? The fact that I have several friends and family members who have cancer, and are functioning. I know people who have gone through chemo, and somehow managed to ALSO get through their days – some even stayed at work. Most of those who I know who have had cancer, survived it and are still cancer-free. Anxiety won’t focus on that, though. It’s not scary enough. I mean, how can our brains protect us from what COULD happen, if we are only focusing on what actually IS happening? (rhetorical and massively sarcastic).

How about body image? So many of us have a fear of being viewed as unattractive if we don’t have that Instagram body. We look at cellulite, loose skin, stretch marks, and a lack of abs as if we’re automatically off the market for being attractive. Are there people who are not attracted to those things? Sure! You know what ALSO IS? There’s a gazillion different body types, and miraculously most of us are found to be desirable by someone else – even if we never know about it. But again, anxiety isn’t interested in focusing on what brings us peace – only what creates an utter mind fuck. Am I right?

We get it, anxiety – bad things can happen. Thanks for the heads up (eye roll). It’s human nature to fear the worst. However, I’ve learned that most of the time it’s more of a protective measure, than a productive one. So, even when all of this blows over…and it will…try to remember that there will always be a “What ALSO is”, and it deserves just as much, if not more, attention than anything else.

From the Boxing Ring to the Bedroom: Couples and COVID-19

fighting couple angry marriage

There is no beating around the bush here. Being held hostage in your home with your partner is no walk in the park. And, if you’re like me, you also have kids to (pretend to) homeschool, all while working and trying to keep everyone alive. Nothing about this situation screams sexy. As a matter of fact, everything seems like ONE. BIG. LIBIDO. BLOCKER. Sound familiar? You’re not alone.

When disaster happens in life, regardless of what it is, we tend to focus all of our energy on it, and neglect everything else…even our relationships. It’s sort of backwards, considering what we need MOST right now are our relationships – intimate, and platonic. So, how do we stay connected to our partners during a time of high stress and internal (and external) chaos? Here are a few tips.

  1. Carve out time for yourself, without your partner. I know it seems counterproductive, but living on top of each other is more of a desire smasher than you think. Absence makes the loins grow fonder…or is it heart? or both? Color, paint your nails, shave, take a hot bath, read, clean out your closet, watch Netflix, etc. If you have kids, take turns doing this.
  2. If you have children, keeping life as “normal” as possible will not only help them with their anxiety, but also you with yours. Getting them to sleep at the regular time gives you and your partner time alone. This leads me to my next tip…
  3. Make time to connect. To be honest, if your sex drive isn’t off the charts right now, (understandable) do something together that doesn’t necessarily involve sex. Maybe watch a movie together. Laugh at your favorite YouTube clips. Play a fun couples question game (there are thousands online). Set up an adult friend virtual hangout on Skype, Zoom, or Facebook messenger!
  4. Communicate. Holy hell, communicate. Everyone deals with anxiety and fear differently – especially within heterosexual relationships. What may come out as anger, might really be underlying anxiety, fear, or overwhelm. Sometimes just checking in with your partner is a nice opening to a vulnerable conversation. Something as easy as, “Hey – how are you holding up with all of this? I know we haven’t talked about our personal feelings much. Is there anything I can do to help you (and ultimately us) get through this with less anxiety?” Especially with kids, we tend to focus on how they are adjusting, and we forget that adults are just as impacted by the disruption in our “normal” life.
  5. If your sex drive is there but you require a bit more to get in the mood due to so many blockers, you can use this time to up your game! Buy a new toy! (Bellesa is having a 20% off sale right now, but when it’s over you can always use my code NINA15 for 15% off AND free shipping! Just sayin’…). Try out a new genre of porn together. Read erotica. Write your own erotica and share it with your partner (this can be super hot, by the way.) If you are both still working, or not together for any reason, sexting is a big YES in my book. Just make sure your partner is ok with receiving messages of that nature while at work (NSFW, anyone?).
  6. Try to get some exercise. Yes, sex is exercise, but beyond that, too! Go for a walk, do some fun YouTube dance fitness classes, hell – some of these TikTok fads I’m seeing are practically cardio!

Bottom line is this – give yourself a break, go easy on yourself, and go easy on your partner(s). It’s all one big cluster fu*% at the moment, and we may be here for a little bit before things settle. Anytime there is a disruption in our norm, our brain spazzes out a bit. It’s OK. It’s Friday – grab a drink with your partner tonight and do something after the kids go to sleep. If you’re sober, nix the drink and do the rest. After all, we really are all in this together.

Dear Human Beings…

I see you. I hear you. I know you. I AM you. 

Dear human beings who suffer from anxiety-related mental health struggles:

Often times when events happen that make the news, or are splattered all over social media, we start to spiral – be it school shootings, medical emergencies, natural disasters, celebrity deaths, etc. Sometimes, what’s happening around us may not even be a specific trigger for us, yet we find ourselves struggling more than usual with anxiety, obsessive thoughts, or depression. 

You see, anxiety folks tend to have triggers – specific things that just “hit different” than others. Some have a hard time going to crowded places. Others may have restaurant-specific anxiety. Some might fear heights, clowns, spiders, dogs, flying, death, certain illnesses, etc. The list goes on. 

What can be confusing to those with anxiety (and certainly those without), is why a random natural disaster, for example, in another country would cause anxiety to someone here in small town USA? Let me try to help provide a visual that I explained to someone today. 

People who live with anxiety typically spend OONGOTZ (might be a fake Italian term?) amount of time subconsciously trying to keep their anxiety at bay. Picture your “regular anxiety triggers” protected in the middle of a circular brick enclosure. These are the things that you are used to causing you anxiety. No surprises here. 

When bad “stuff” happens in the world outside of the enclosure, it’s as if rocks are being thrown at the bricks. After a while of that enclosure being battered, it starts to crumble. This leaves your regular triggers vulnerable and exposed. 

You may not be responding directly to the event that happened in the world (i.e. the Corona virus), but the event caused your regular triggers to become exposed and irritated. 

So, if you find yourself experiencing your anxiety triggers more than usual, if your obsessive thoughts (even if completely unrelated to the world’s events) have sky rocketed, if your depression seems to be more painful lately than normal, understand you’re not alone. 

In times like these, I encourage self care more than normal. Step away from social media, binge watch Netflix, read a good book, color, write, self-pleasure (yes, I mean it), bake, or engage in any other activity that helps you REBUILD. 

It’s ok to get knocked down. It’s ok to not be ok. But then we rest, we wipe our tears, we dust ourselves off, and we ride again…

Xoxoxo 

Nina

I Guess I Wasn’t a Good Mom…

mom guilt wine crayons

I guess I wasn’t a good Mom.

Snow days on social media would wreck my soul. I would see parents doing arts and crafts, sleigh riding, and all of the other things that “good Moms” do. I couldn’t stand the thought of having to get all dressed up in a snow suit, only to come back in 5 minutes later. 

I guess I wasn’t a good Mom. 

Parents taking kids on vacations and day trips, and posting about how amazing it was. I would get stressed at the thought of even packing for a vacation, let alone actually enjoying one. I stressed about the possible car sickness, the fighting in the back seat, the 800th “Are we there yet?”. 

I guess I wasn’t a good Mom. 

Article after article about screen time and how “horrible” it was for brain development, yet that is how I was able to get work done, cook dinner, and frankly – exhale for a bit. 

I guess I wasn’t a good Mom. 

Kids going to the local beach every day in town, and I made up some ridiculous reason why we couldn’t. I didn’t want to deal with all that went along with the planning and execution of a beach trip with two young kids on my own (my husband was working). (side note – much easier now that they are older!)

I guess I wasn’t a good Mom. 

I was drowning in Mom guilt to the point where it was impacting my relationship with myself, my kids, and even my husband! I was a mess, and something needed to change. This couldn’t POSSIBLY be what was expected to be a “good Mom”. This is not how I grew up, yet I had fallen into society’s expectations of how I should Mom, and it wasn’t matching up with how I NATURALLY Mommed…you feel me?

So, I made a huge shift. I dug deep. I went to therapy. 

I. WOKE. UP. 

I woke up to how I wanted to Mom. I woke up to accepting how I showed up as a Mom, even though it may not look like anything I saw on social media. I woke up to the CRITICAL ways my own parents showed up for me, and saw that I am showing up exactly the same for my kids. And…I turned out pretty Ok.

Much love,

Nina

Tensing to orgasm?

Photo by Malvestida Magazine on Unsplash

Q: I am a 45 yr old female and have been with my husband for 15 years. The missionary position is the only position I can have an orgasm. I tense everything up in order to have an orgasm. I have always done this. I’m in pretty good physical shape, but my hips are always sore the day after we have sex. I’ve tried to stay relaxed and it either takes much longer or doesn’t happen. I’m not complaining, but just curious. My question is: Why do we tense up our muscles in order to orgasm?

(heterosexual female)

A: First and foremost – it’s AMAZING that you’re having orgasms during intercourse! Many women cannot, so kudos!

Let me preface this by owning that I am not a Doctor or medical professional. However, I am a woman with a vulva/vagina, and I research and read about sexuality for both personal AND professional reasons, so there’s that…#sexgeek.

Most people actually DO tense up as they build to orgasm! You are not experiencing anything abnormal or uncommon, whatsoever. Self disclosure: I am the same way! There are a few reasons this might be the case. First, when our bodies are aroused and working towards orgasm, blood flow increases to our genitals. By tensing our muscles, it helps that process happen faster. Many people (penis AND vagina owners) tighten their muscles – often from the waist down. There are, however, people who find themselves tensing their upper body as well!

On a totally different and possibly unscientific note (aka: me just speculating and making something up that COULD be true): When a woman tightens her Kegel muscles (think, the muscle that can stop us from peeing midstream), the glans of her clitoris (the man in the boat that we all see on the outside) sort of retracts a tad. I’ll give you a sec to try it…

Ok…we’re back. Now, follow me here for a hot minute…

Sometimes, if the pressure of the stimulus (tongue, fingers, toy, etc.) is too much for the clitoris and you clench to retract it a bit, the clitoral hood sort of buffers the stimulation to make it more tolerable to receive the clitoral stimulation.

How amazing are orgasms, right?! It’s as if our body innately does what it needs to do for our specific orgasm – “specific” being the definitive word. Women (with vaginas) tend to differ greatly in the manner in which they orgasm. From what arouses them, to the environment that needs to be created, to the actual mechanics. And it’s allllllll good!

In terms of your hips being sore, that is most likely from the constant tension during arousal while you’re working towards an orgasm. That may mean you’re tensing your butt as well (also super common) as one of the muscle groups to aid in orgasm. By tensing your butt muscles, your hips sort of drive forward as well.

Because I am not there in person to see how your hips move during sex, my other thought is how you’re moving your hips (or if you are moving them at all). Women often like to grind against the pelvic region of their partner during penetrative sex to make clitoral contact. If that’s the case, you may want to try asking your husband if he can position himself differently where HE is doing the grinding of his pelvis on your clit, versus the other way around.

Lastly, you could experiment with allowing yourself to go back and forth between tensing and then relaxing, versus staying tense consistently. It depends on how uncomfortable your hips are, and how much you want to change that outcome. I understand wanting to cut down on the time it takes, but if your sore hips are bothering you enough to want to switch things up a bit, then go for it!

Regardless of what you choose to try, just know that each of us has our own unique “orgasm formula”, and the ONLY goal is to make it work for YOU. It sounds like you’re ahead of the game! ENJOY!

Why I Won’t Dull Myself…

jumping on bed laughing nina real talk coaching

I’ve been holding onto this message since she sent it yesterday morning – still with my heart in my gut. My close friend, Emily, was recently diagnosed with cancer, and she sent this to me. So many thoughts I pulled from this, and I wanted to share one of the biggest:

Do you know how many times I get strange reactions from people when I tell them I speak about mental health and sexuality? Do you know how many people have probably unfollowed me? Blocked me? Questioned my “moral compass”? Judged me as a parent? A wife? A human? Probably a lot. 

I also hear things like, “Omg, I can’t believe you said that on social media!” Or “Aren’t you worried what other people think when they see your content?”

To the people who are uncomfortable with my level of self-acceptance and raw ‘humanness’, to the point where they judge me – it’s ok. I’m not mad. It doesn’t hurt my feelings. I will never try to make you comfortable. That’s your story to read, not mine. That’s not my mission, nor my purpose. 

My purpose in life is to create a safe space for people to uncage themselves from shame and guilt. A space where people can take off every damn mask that life has mistakingly urged them to wear. A space where people can say HERE. I. FUC*%ING. AM, and be met with open arms NO MATTER WHAT. That’s why I’m here, that’s what I do, and that’s WHO I AM. 

I focus on sexuality and mental health because that’s what we fear the most about ourselves. They are the most vulnerable parts of who we are, and what we spend our LIVES hiding from. 

The underlying message isn’t about sex and mental health. You need to understand that. It’s about RADICAL SELF ACCEPTANCE. And if you can accept the two most innately human and messiest parts of who you are, then THAT is RADICAL SELF ACCEPTANCE – something that our culture clearly tries to stifle from all angles. 

So, am I concerned about others opinions? Will I temper my crazy ass messages to this world? Absofreakinlutely NOT. As a matter of fact, I’m really ok that I make dildo jokes, masturbation references, and share my OCD story. It created space for a dear friend to open up, and she will undoubtedly save her own life because of it.

Be a rebel. Be yourself.

mind body health sexuality human experience self help

It’s not “kinda” rebellious…it is INCREDIBLY rebellious in our world to be yourself. To openly discuss the sides of us that we’ve been taught to hide, seems to be some act of courage. My opinion? It should be the norm. 

Marriage can be tough, parenting can be tough, careers can be tough, money conversation can be tough, our sexuality can be tough, our mental health can be tough, our body image issues can be tough. The list goes on…

So many of us are lost in the ideal that we’re completely neglecting who we ACTUALLY are. By doing this, we attract those who we do not align with. We end up seeking out situations and environments that don’t even really speak to who we are and what we stand for. We settle. We settle as if we have an unlimited amount of time to seek what we actually are deserving of (which is some pretty awesome shit by the way.)

So, I’m going to just put this out there – Be a rebel. And if you’re looking for other rebels out there, I can assure you that you already know at least one 💁🏻‍♀️

Should I be a #HotWife?

sexy wife hot woman
Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

Q: Hey Nina. So my husband and I have been married for 15 yrs and together for 22. Very recently, he’s talked to me more about me having either like a boyfriend or just another person that I have sex with and then come home to him. He has mentioned that he thinks it would be so hot to watch someone have sex with me. We’ve been talking about it more and more.

At first, I thought this might be a way of him getting to have sex with someone else. I’m the only person he’s ever been with. He says it’s not, and that he hasn’t really found anyone that he would be interested in anyway. He works with a bunch of people who are younger than us, in their 20’s, and I guess this is more of a thing with the younger generation. He says we have our relationship and our love and this would be just a pleasure/fun thing.

I’ve been thinking about it more and more and was confiding in a male friend of mine that doesn’t know my husband. He thought it was interesting too and we wound up sexting the other night. I must admit, it was really hot. And my husband thought it was hot too! I think I’m into it now and my friend and I are working on a meetup time to kinda Netflix and chill. He says there is no pressure.

My husband is an analytical person and says he has thought this through thoroughly. What are your thoughts on this? I’ve expressed my fear to my husband about this possibly ruining our marriage, but he says no. Is this just another way to spice up a long term marriage as long as all parties involved know the terms and agree to them?

A: Hi there! Ahhhh…the infamous hotwife fantasy! The desire for a man to see his wife with another man is usually referred to as “cuckolding”, or being a “hot wife”. It can take many forms depending on what you and your husband are seeking out of the sexual experience. Some men enjoy being humiliated as they watch their wife with another man. Some men love to see their wife as the object of desire of another man, knowing she is “his” to reclaim afterwards. My best advice for this is to think about what exactly you want out of this. If it is to “fix” a marriage, I would advise against – big time. If it’s to spice up a marriage, I would think about what could go wrong and see how you would both handle it.

Questions like: What sort of contact is allowed with the other men afterwards? Does your husband want to know these men, or do they have to be strangers? What happens if you start to have feelings for another man? How will you navigate it if you start to feel that this is pulling you further from your husband, rather than closer? How will you communicate negative feelings?

Bottom line is this – consensual non-monogamy is becoming more openly discussed as we learn more about human sexuality. It can absolutely spice up your current relationship and enhance communication. On the flip side, there is also a risk that it can go south (and not in a good way), and you want to be prepared for that before jumping in. I would suggest starting slowly. If you are both comfortable with sexting other people and sharing that together, then go for it! Talk about the next steps as you go. Always communicate about your feelings and be honest about what does and does not work for you.

Best of luck!

Should we open our marriage?

open marriage open sign

Q: We have been seriously talking about opening up our marriage and I think I’m ok with it now. At 40 and having been out of the dating scene for 20+ years, I’m not even sure how to go about finding someone. I’ve been talking to a friend of a friend that may be interested and we have sexted once, but I’m not sure if he’s really down or not. Do you know other people that have open marriages? I’ve been hearing that the younger generation is more ok with open relationships. What are your thoughts?

A: Consensual non-monogamy seems to be getting quite the press lately, and I think a lot has to do with the internet. Although the idea of having multiple partners has been around for ages (think concubines, harems, etc.), it’s becoming less taboo because of the ability to connect virtually with so many others who are curious as well. I also believe that as we evolve, we are always looking to better “adapt” to new knowledge that we acquire.

A brief history lesson, shall we?

The truth, whether it’s easy to hear or not, is that sexual monogamy is not a biological “thing”. It’s a cultural and religious construct that many are content to align with. Marriage was more of a business/logistical decision to protect and preserve property and assets – it did not begin for love and sexual pleasure. Sexual monogamy was born out of wanting to control who women slept with so there was never a question as to who the child belonged to – again – this was important in terms of lineage and the passing down of assets.

Bored yet?

So, here’s my own take on what’s happened to monogamous relationships…

The main reasons for creating marriage and monogamy have sort of gone away for most of us, yet the expectations have remained. If someone is royalty or insanely wealthy and they want to know who their biological child is, we have paternity tests now. So….there’s that.

Now, we have monogamous couples who are married and wondering where lust and passion have gone, or why they are struggling to be satisfied with one person for a lifetime. Humans are not designed to be sexually monogamous. As a matter of fact, there’s only about 3%-5% of mammal species (humans included!) that are monogamous for life.

The urge to stray will be there because of human nature, but what we choose to do with that urge is what makes the difference. I speak to so many people who are riddled with guilt over lusting after someone else, and I have to explain to them that I would actually be MORE surprised if they weren’t! So, what do we do?

We make a choice. Sexual monogamy is a daily choice that we make – oftentimes without thinking. The truth is, we all have the free will to walk out and be sexual with someone else. So, what keeps us from doing it? Well, we already know that there are many who DO choose to act on the urges, and the consequences can be devastating to the relationship. Some may remain sexually monogamous but feel bored and resentful, and others may not have any issues with being sexually monogamous at all! Then there’s the rest…

If you haven’t watched the Ted Talk by Dr. Jess O’Reilly, titled “Monogamish”, do yourself a favor and watch it. This is where I believe most people fall in terms of monogamy. Research has found that very few relationships THRIVE in 100% monogamous relationships, and very few THRIVE in 100% open relationships. The majority of us actually exist somewhere along the spectrum. Now, before you take that the wrong way, let’s talk about what I actually mean by “spectrum”. Relationships aren’t always black and white in terms of sexual behavior.

So, what sort of behaviors can be found on this spectrum? Mind you, these would all have to be CONSENSUAL and AGREED UPON or else you’re risking betrayal, infidelity, and ultimately, the end of a relationship. To give you some examples (from more vanilla to less vanilla):

  • Flirting with other people (with your partner knowing)
  • Discussing people that you both find sexy, and maybe using it as fuel in the bedroom
  • Going to a strip club together and watching your partner get a lap dance
  • Sexting a third party (again, with your partner either participating or knowing that you’re doing it)
  • Exchanging videos or pictures with another couple online (there are safety tips to this, so please don’t do this if you haven’t thought it through. The internet can be amazing, but also very dangerous.)
  • Going to sex clubs to watch others have sex
  • Occasional make-out sessions with a mutually agreed-upon third person
  • Agreeing on specific parameters for consensual non-monogamy (i.e. must be in a different state or certain distance away, certain sexual behaviors being off-limits, not engaging in sexual behaviors with the same person more than once, no exchanging of contact information, etc.)

To answer the other questions – yes, I do know people who have open relationships. Does it work for them? Yes. Does it work for everyone? Nope. The younger generation seems to be more open to it, but they are also more open to other non-traditional lifestyle choices as well. So, I think as a general rule, younger folks seem to be likely to challenge the status quo, rather than roll with it.

My personal thoughts…

  • I think it can be a viable option for some long term relationships to keep the spice alive, and satisfy the sexual and emotional urge for variety.
  • I think people sometimes jump into it way too quickly, and unfortunately, it’s not something that can be erased. Remember that fantasy is almost always better than reality.
  • There MUST be agreements and parameters along the way
  • Take it step-by-step, and don’t go from sexual monogamy directly into sex with others – try the smaller steps first (see the list of monogamy spectrum examples above) and build a foundation as you go.
  • Communication is non-negotiable. Jealousy is a human emotion and not to be ignored. Just talk about it.
  • Opening up a marriage should never be done to save a failing one.
  • To remotely begin to navigate an open marriage, your CURRENT relationship should be as foundationally sound as possible.

I urge you to do your research first. Check out online communities of others who have been in the lifestyle for a while, and pick their brain. Sometimes, we get so excited about something sexual, that we neglect to think about what could go wrong. Seeking a sex therapist is also another option to help navigate this process.

Soap box over.

When do the “Birds and Bees” have to make an appearance for my kids?

surprised boy birds and bees
Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

Q: As a mother yourself, what age do you think is appropriate to teach your kids about the birds and the bees? I’ve taught my son, who’s 6, that half the baby comes from Dad’s penis and the other half from mom. Daddies have to plant their half in the mommy’s vagina. My family thinks I’m crazy for teaching that to him. I remember (over 25 years ago) I learned from a friend in 2nd grade. I just wanted him to know the truth from me and not another kid in school. And where would you draw the line? My daughter is 4 and I’m teetering on the idea of telling her, too. What’s your opinion??

A: This is such an amazingly powerful topic, and I would be a millionaire if I had the exact age and method of explaining sex to children. But alas, I don’t. Nobody does. You will find an infinite amount of articles on this topic, and depending on the level of progressiveness of the author, you will be told something different each and every time. I am happy to give my opinion on the topic, but remember that my opinion is just that…my opinion. Here it goes…

I personally think you did great, and I’m proud of you. I believe you should explain sex to your kids at whatever age they ask. That, I’m pretty set on. The difficult part is WHAT we’re supposed to tell them. Let’s be honest – even though we have heard the research time and time again that talking about sex does NOT lead to kids HAVING sex, we still believe it does. I am a former health teacher, I should know better. However, when it comes to my kids, all bets are off and I lose my rational thinking capabilities.

I am FAR from a perfect Mother (newsflash: perfect Moms don’t exist), but here’s how I’ve handled it: I always ask them what THEY think it is first. Often times they have heard some bogus explanation from school kids and I want to be the first to correct that misinformation. Every now and then, they will actually present you with ACCURATE information that they’ve heard at school, and you can literally confirm it, and be on with your day!

If they ask for further information, I use this line: “I am happy you asked. These are great questions and your curiosity is 100% normal. My job as your parent is to explain things to you that make sense for someone your age. As you get older, I can explain it differently because you will be able to understand even better. Deal?”

To explain my reasoning even further, I use the analogy of driving. I say, “You’re 7 years old. If I told you that we were going to go to a parking lot and I was going to teach you how to drive and parallel park, what would you say?” They will inevitably respond with something along the lines of, “But, I’m too young! I can’t even drive yet!”.

BINGO! It makes no sense for me to bog their brain down with things that truly have nothing to do with their experiences at their age. I ask again, “Now, what if you were 15 years old and I told you we were going to practice driving?” They get it at that point. I explain that as they get older, I PROMISE to explain things to them in a way that is relevant to their age. What I DON’T want my kids to feel is that I am hiding some Holy Grail secret from them. The truth is, they will find out regardless (Hello, Internet. Ugh), and I’d rather it be from me.

I try not to use words that have a negative vibe to them because I don’t want anything about sex to be negative for my kids (although I’m certain I’ve already messed that up). I don’t want anything to seem wrong or taboo – I just focus on the TIMING and depth of information I share. I rarely, if ever, say, “You’re too young to understand.” I think that actually creates a dynamic that doesn’t lend itself to open communication. Your child will see you as doubting their ability to emotionally handle something. Although that may be true, it doesn’t feel so great to a kid.

Educate them on the basic biology when they ask – sperm meets egg, and a baby is made (sometimes). If they want to know how the sperm meets the egg (which is what happened with my child), I told her that when two adults who are in love want to make a baby, the penis goes into the vagina. Did I wanna die at that moment? Yup! Was I totally irrational and fear that she was going to go out the next day and get pregnant at 8 years old, even though it’s borderline impossible? Yup! I could barely sleep that night and feared she’d be the next star on “I’m a Teen Mom”. Welcome to parenthood.

Depending on their age, you can even go on to say that sometimes adults need Doctors to help make it happen, but that’s up to you. I’ve had to explain that to my kids because we have cousins who have two mommies, and we have cousins who have been pregnant many times, miscarried, and required reproductive medicine.

As they get older, I think it’s important to introduce pleasure education, because they won’t EVER get it here in the US unless they take a college course on it (mega eye roll). If you’re four-year-old is asking, go ahead and explain the basics about the sperm meeting the egg. Chances are, she will not be very interested in it and she’ll move on.

Again, it’s more about how well you know your children. You’re their mother and you will always be met with opposition – that’s just life. I think most of us are fighting more of a cultural war than anything else. The truth is, the less of a deal you make of it, the less intriguing it will be.

Good luck, Mama! You’re doing great =)

Extramarital Tickling

Photo by Bianca Berg on Unsplash

Q: I love tickling women in bondage. It’s a huge sexual fantasy for me. My wife isn’t into it at all. I’ve sat down with her and told her how much it means to me but she really doesn’t want to try it. If I tickle other women and just not tell her about it, am I justified?

A: Good for you for being open about what you want! The downside is, our partners are not always going to be game for what we want, and that’s ok. There are a plethora of fantasies that we have, and to expect our partners to entertain them all would just set us up for disappointment, right?

So, here’s where we make choices in relationships. In my personal opinion (and that’s all it is…an opinion), I would highly discourage engaging in behaviors behind your partner’s back. That rarely, if ever, ends well. It also starts to place a massive wedge between the two of you, and intimacy is about connection, not betrayal.

When I work with clients, I try to get to the psychological experience they are seeking. After all, sexuality is actually more about our psyche than anything else. So, what about tickling a woman in bondage gets you excited? What feeling does it create that is arousing? Often we can find several other activities that can elicit a similar response that your partner may be up for!

I would also be curious as to the reasons your partner is not comfortable doing it. Is it being tied up? Is it being tickled? Maybe there’s a middle ground that you can meet on. For example, let’s say she doesn’t like the idea of being tickled, but she is ok being tied up. Maybe you can use a feather on her to cause pleasure, but not tickle her. Maybe you can use temperature play and rub an ice cube on her body.

Often we are uncomfortable with what we don’t know. If this is something foreign to her, maybe show her what it looks like. Show her a clip of the fantasy you’re seeking. I’d also challenge you to think about how you would react if she wanted something sexual that you were not comfortable with. What sort of ways would you try to navigate the situation to try to satisfy her desires without doing something that makes you uncomfortable?

My first line of defense will always be honest and open communication with your partner. If she is adamantly against it, and you feel like this is a deal-breaker for your marriage, I would explain to her that your desire for this is strong, and you want to work together to figure out a way to experience this without jeopardizing your marriage.

If it’s something that isn’t a deal-breaker for your marriage, I would either try to find a happy medium, or you may just have to chalk it up to the fact that our partners aren’t always going to be up for what we want sexually! I’m pretty confident that if you can try to dig and figure out exactly the feeling you’re looking to experience, you’ll find a million other sexual things you can do to get that desired feeling – and who knows – she may be ready to explore it with you!

Good luck =)